For a friend who’s gone

How do you honor a friend who leaves too soon?

Someone who is kind without expectation of reciprocation.

Someone with a sense of humor that keeps you on your toes.

Someone who radiates goodness.

Someone who is incredibly creative and who knows that love is in the details.

Someone who appreciates all the small gestures and loves the big ones too. 

Someone who brought beauty to everything….really, everything.

Someone who makes you feel like you matter, no matter what.

Someone who put others before herself.

Some will make a contribution in your name, others will keep you in their heart, and many will be there for your husband and children as the years pass.

I hope some of us will also let you live on through our acts of kindness. Nothing would honor you more.

Dave

I cried when Johnny Carson retired. I know I’ll cry harder when Dave broadcasts his last show in 2015. I’ve watched him for over 30 years…ever since he had the morning show. Yes, the summer I was 21 and looking for a job I watched Dave every morning and wondered why he wasn’t on at night. That quirky, funny, shy, cute, mid-western guy with the bad haircut and the blond eyebrows hooked me.

I remember a few years later a boyfriend asked one of those questions that just gets everyone in trouble: “Who’s your celebrity crush?” Not knowing whom to choose, the then boyfriend threw out names like Harrison Ford and Tom Cruise, to which I replied, “not even close.” And that’s when I realized Dave was my celebrity crush. “DAVE IS!”  As much as he loved Dave too, he questioned my taste in men….and that didn’t bode well for the future of our relationship.

Somewhere in my collection of paper memories, I have a birthday card from a friend that lists the Top Ten Reasons Why Dave Should Marry Me. People who knew me knew Dave found a place in my heart and more importantly my brain. His humor is clever – even when he wore a Velcro suit, threw fruit off the roof, and made us watch stupid pet tricks, he’s smart. He shines when he interviews politicians, newscasters, and authors.  I’ll watch him with Brian Williams, Bill O’Reilly or Tom Brokaw any day. Dr. Phil, Julia Roberts and Howard Stern are probably my top 3 favorite guests though.

Before the DVR and when I could stay up late, I’d watch Late Night every night until 1:30AM. My day could then end. Now, even the 11:30PM Late Show needs to be DVR’d. I’m 30 years older than when I started watching Dave, but it’s hard to understand that he’s 67 years old. He still looks like the quirky, funny, shy, cute, mid-western guy with the bad haircut and the blond eyebrows.

My son and I watched the first night Jimmy Fallon hosted the Tonight Show and I said to Zach, “remember this night…in 30 or so years you’ll sit with your children, marvel when Jimmy retires and tell them you remember him when.” 

I remember...

Originally posted 2 years ago...still feels the same now.

It's four days until the 10th anniversary of the day it all changed. Ten years can feel like such a long time ago, but in a moment I can be brought back to that morning.

I can remember every moment of the day and the days that followed.

I remember...dropping Zach at day two of kindergarten.
I remember...walking down Park Avenue to work and thinking the sky never looked this blue.
I remember...my friend Tanya calling to tell me the Trade Center had been hit by a plane.
I remember...not having a radio or CNN newsfeed, and only wanting to watch the Today Show.
I remember...Tanya calling back, now screaming the other Tower was hit by another plane.

I remember...being relieved that I hadn't gotten the job at One World Trade Center the year before.

I remember...stepping outside to smoke a cigarette and someone yelled, "the Pentagon has been hit."
I remember...deciding to pick Zach up from school and us going home to be safe.
I remember...being glued to CNN, as Zach watched cartoons in the other room.
I remember...my breath being taken away as the first Tower fell.
I remember...Zach's school receiving bomb threats.
I remember...feeling so anxious of what was going to happen next and when.
I remember...the wind changing, and the burning smell of downtown lingering on my terrace.
I remember...how I couldn't stop crying and still today cannot think about that day without crying.
I remember...watching this video over and over and feeling unimaginably sad.

But what I want to remember, is the kindness and good I saw in the people of New York. 

8-26-13

It's been 40 years since we met in seventh grade. 

We spent a lot of time together with equal time apart.

We grew up together.

We smoked apples for the first time in your room. Benson & Hedges apples.

We bought lavender hip hugger landlubbers, huck-a-poo shirts and hideous high heels.

We celebrated your sweet 16…“Does Macy’s tell Gimbels?”

We ran around Nice, Paris and London after we graduated from Dalton.

I still put Q-tips in silver cups and tissues in baskets.

I was your maid of honor and you were my matron of honor.

I was so proud of you when you received your MFA.

You were the first person I left Zach with when he was born.

Your paintings have always hung in my living room. We used to think Zach liked them so much because they looked like eyes watching over him.

There’s a little comfort in thinking that’s what they’re doing now for you.

2 boys

Sybrina Fulton and I share something special. We each gave birth to a son in 1995. She in February and I in September. I’ve spent the last 17 years worrying about my son’s safety – SIDS, choking on a grape, falling in the park, riding a bike, crossing the street, flying in a plane, getting mugged, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Never once were my fears based on the color of his skin.

I’ve spoken with moms of color who tell me about the angst they feel when they think about the conversation they must have with their sons…save the receipt for that pack of gum so you’re not accused of stealing, be respectful if stopped by the police… To hear the mom of an 8 year old speak about the safety of her soon-to-be teenage son is nothing short of tragic and horrifying, and a fear this country should have already erased by now.

When the verdict came in last night, I looked at my son and my heart broke for Sybrina Fulton.  I can hug my son and tell him I love him, but it was impossible to look at him and not think of Trayvon. 

2012....2013

The last time I wrote was one month before the presidential election, when I was more than a little worried about the direction of the country. Happy to say the right guy is firmly ensconced in the White House and I truly believe he will accomplish all he has promised. I thought the election high on November 6 would last at least until the inauguration.

I can safely say the last few months have been anything but high. I had an unexpected leak in the shower stall that was causing major flooding below us. "We're just going to tap out a few tiles, find the leak, repair it, replace the tiles and it'll be back to normal in three days." Those few tiles turned into every tile in the shower, every pipe, the tray, the fixtures, many workmen, much mess, dust and three weeks later it was done. I was exhausted. It had monopolized an inordinate amount of time, but I knew I was lucky.

During the bathroom fiasco Hurricane Sandy hit this area. It was impossible to complain about my shower when I looked at the destruction so many people were experiencing. It's been inspiring to see people volunteering time, collecting supplies, raising money and being unselfish. I find it hard to buy things I want now and keep thinking about all the people who don't have what they need let alone what they want. I have a harder time talking with people who don't think about the people who are suffering. I can't imagine.

What's been difficult in the last few months is the lack of time to breathe. It's felt like I've tackled one project after another at work, the shower, and trying to digest the destruction. But nothing prepared me for the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. It's taken everything not to sink into complete sadness. It's also taken everything not to hope someone shoots Wayne LaPierre of the NRA.

The sadness and anger is overwhelming. That Friday reminded me of 9/11. People going about their day. Taking their children to school, kissing them goodbye, never thinking it would be for the last time. It's almost impossible thinking about the 26 people who died that day...caring administrators, loving teachers and the innocent children.  I can't think about their parents. To think about their pain and their loss is a place I can't go.

But I can do something. And because I'm an eternal optimist, I cannot end this post without offering things you can do to make a difference for others...and in turn for you:

Support the Robin Hood Sandy Relief Effort.

Make snowflakes to hang in the new school that the students from Sandy Hook Elementary will attend.

Join the One Million Child March on DC for Gun Control.

Carry out 26 Acts of Kindness. Ann Curry invites you to honor the students and teachers who died. What better way.

Why Not Obama?

I'm not focusing on why Romney and very curious about why not Obama? I don't think the undecided percentage in the election is correct....well, at least if I use my friends on Facebook as a poll. I have 520 friends and 75 LIKE Obama and 7 LIKE Romney (including the 2 kids of Romney supporters who are too young to voted). I thought only 5% of Americans were undecided.  My friends are either undecided, keeping it to themselves until November 6 or just not sharing on Facebook.

If I wanted to venture a guess about the preferred candidate of the other 438 of my friends, should I assume a similar breakdown? Now I just have to remember fractions or percentages so I can really understand how many of my friends are voting for Romney. If a train is traveling 60 MPH going east....oh no,wrong equation. 7 out of 82 equals x out of 520, then x = 44.4. Math people - jump in if I'm wrong.

I usually only talk about politics amongst other like-minded people. I try to stay away from politics, religion and parenting in groups. I have very strong opinions in all three categories.  I am eager and curious to hear other points of view, but conversations of these types usually end with everyone feeling exasperated and leave with our views in the same camp as when we began.

But with less than one month to go, I'd like to understand what the draw of Romney is...or better yet, why the disappointment with Obama. We've all read the list of his accomplishments he was able to make happen without much support in Washington. It's a long list. We all remember the state our country was in when he was elected. Do any of us think we'd be in a better shape had we elected McCain/Palin four years ago?  And four years from now, will we be better off is we elect Romney?

I still want CHANGE, I still have HOPE and I still LIKE him.

What's on my mind...

I've had a lot on my mind lately and unfortunately this is how my mind feels right now.

Be kind to all beings

I'm committed to diversity initiatives at two schools, in very different roles. In each school, we have our reasons why diversifying the school is important, but the shooting at the Sikh Temple gave me my most important reason. When I heard about the shooting I immediately thought of a Sikh family at one of the schools.

They were only part of the community for one year and then unfortunately were transferred out west. During their year with us, they spent time educating the students, faculty and administrators about their culture, traditions and beliefs. We learned about the five virtues and the kara and patka. And, how the Sikh people are non-violent. Knowing that fact made the attack at the Temple that much worse.

Knowing this family personalized the shooting. I hoped the same thoughts came to the parents and children in our school community. This wasn't just another horrible shooting of anonymous people, but members of a group of people where we know 3 of the 500,000 Sikhs who live in America.

If diversifying our schools wasn't a priority, we may never have met this family...and it might have been just another horrible shooting.

America the Bloody

After what happened in Aurora I find it hard to breathe when Zach is out of the house. On that Friday night, 1600 miles away from Aurora, he was at the midnight show of Batman on 67th Street. Intellectually I know there's nothing you can do to prevent being caught in the wrong place, but Aurora has stirred up similar feelings I had during 9-11. Each person was just going about their life...going to work or going to the movies. It was just another day that changed many lives forever.

I can't discuss gun control even with people who are in favor of changing laws. The sense of frustration I feel that this is still a discussion has hindered my ability to have a rational conversation. I started off the week offering comments like "may I suggest we look at the current laws..." and "can we all agree that banning assault weapons..." and "even the NRA says..." And honestly, now all I hear in my head is you're f*#king crazy for thinking we shouldn't ban all guns, leaving it impossible to me to be rational on the topic.

I love our president and believe he has compassion and conviction. It's time to have courage and not fear election results. How many more 6 year olds are going to die? How many more people will be left paralyzed? And how many more will be left traumatized? The answer is not putting guns in the hands of well intentioned Americans. No one is well intentioned with a gun in their hand. 

Words With Boyfriends

I've always liked having some sort of relationship with a boyfriend when they became an ex. There's only one ex-boyfriend that I haven't kept the friendship with since breaking up. I would, however, feel totally comfortable calling to say hi.  What I've recently found satisfying is transitioning exes to competitors in Words With Friends.

At any one time I have about 15 games going. Half and half women and men. Women are competitive with each other, but in gentle ways. One female friend of mine likes to have 2 games going simultaneously and that way usually each of us wins one. I have friends who when losing stop playing for a day or so in the hope of stopping the momentum. It's kind of like a rain delay in tennis. Sadly, I've had friends walk away from games entirely. Only women though. Men seem to fight harder. I think it's a psychological study that merits a little funding.

I'm wondering though if it wouldn't be better starting off a relationship playing WWF before the first date. I think how he or she plays this game would tell one a lot about character, humor, education and resilience in a short period of time. This might change the face of online dating. Taking it one step further, what if you chose "random player" in WWF and that person was a potential suitor?  If the games go well, then you meet for dinner.

PS Thanks lunch date for the title!

When We Met Nora

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

I vividly remember 1989 and seeing When Harry Met Sally. It was the year I turned 30. I had recently ended important relationship, well he had, and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and this movie made me laugh.  When Harry Met Sally seemed like the story I shared with one of my oldest friends...a guy. The friendship didn't start in college, it was Studio 54. We didn't take any road trips, we danced. We watched each other date many different people, we flirted shamelessly with each other. I knew why his relationships never worked and he knew why mine didn't either. In 1989 we let a toe go over the line, but fear of putting our friendship in jeopardy pulled it back quickly.

A few years later, that movie kept me laughing during labor. My water broke at the rehearsal dinner of my best friend. Off to Mt. Sinai Hospital we went, only to be told we had a while to go and we should do our waiting at home. One of us believed the Lamaze coach who said sleep through the early part of labor. And one of us looked for a few movies to distract. I remember watching three movies, but can only remember two of them. Moonstruck and When Harry Met Sally. I laughed my way through every contraction to "Snap out of it" and "I'll have what she's having." I remember saving When Harry Met Sally for last, knowing the contractions would be worse and that it was the funniest of the three.

Nora Ephron has gotten me through some important times in my life. It is impossible not to enjoy the easy way she wrote.  I hope I Feel Bad About My Neck will be made into a movie in time for me to start feeling badly about mine. And I miss what she had yet to write.