there was an interesting news story yesterday- i think on nbc - about how people used to think that if you're kids were not good and didn't behave properly, then you were a bad parent. well, apparently there's a new study that shows it may not be your parenting technique at fault - may just be the way your child is hard wired. is this supposed to make us feel better? do we now have the survey's blessings to further relinquish our parenting responsibilities?
i'll give you an outlier or two who may fit this survey, but i would like to suggest there are more parents that just need some guidance and strength than bad kids. i really don't think kids are bad. what if i said that in addition to love, boundaries and rules your children need to know what expectations you have for them? except for love, all of these needs change at every age and stage of their lives. in addition, i think parents need to set their own personal expectations. so, you adapt and restructure you're own first and then bring the kids along with their new expectations.
so what happens if you haven't set both types of expectations? many of us have either seen or experienced the following:
- a 2 year old melting down in a restaurant
- a 5 year old having a tantrum in a toy store
- a 8 year old hitting a parent
- a 11 year old calling a parent stupid
- a 14 year old lying to a parent
- a 16 year old breaking curfew by an hour
the real question is - are we doing the kids a favor by not setting expectations? it's definitely easier to say yes sometimes and give in to a request or a want, but in the long run it may not be in anyone's best interest....especially yours.
the real question is - are we doing the kids a favor by not setting expectations? it's definitely easier to say yes sometimes and give in to a request or a want, but in the long run it may not be in anyone's best interest....especially yours.
wwcd: with an almost 15 year old at home, it might be time to reset our expectations
If we as parents aren't clear on expectations, how will they be prepared for the real world? Are they supposed to figure it out on their own? Maybe some times but not always.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel there is this battle between parents not wanting to take responsibility (in the true sense) for their jobs as parents. They worry their child won't "like" them or that they will be mean. On the other hand, is the perception that if we follow some sort of golden/magic rules or formula we will have a super achiever at the end...both are wrong in my opinion.
This need for clear cut answers to all our parenting queries and neurosis is childish on the part of parents. Is it about not wanting to take responsibilty and being able to blame someone else? There is no magic formula.
Being a parent is tough, you don't always have the fun part but if you don't take care of the difficult parts, who will?
But we must also accept that our children are people onto themselves. They may not turn out exactly as we fantasized, even with the in-utero classical music, the educational play-dates, the right food, the best school, etc....
For me parenting is a full time commitment plus a giant leap of faith but it's an adventure I cannot imagine not living.
As a child growing up without expectations from my parents, it felt like they didn't care.
ReplyDeleteWhen, as a child, you feel like your parents don't care, all bets are off. I mean, who do you have to answer to?
So, maybe you as a child with parents who have not set expectations lash out, act out - the obvious theory is to get the parents to notice.
Sometimes they do. Sometimes, they don't. Sometimes, they just can't.
But maybe as the youngest I am not alone in this thinking. Seems at times by the time parents with multiple children get to the last, they are DONE.
So, damn it, parents need to set expectations. I think they should be required by law to do so.
from Aunt Judy:
ReplyDeleteAMEN to setting rules, and regulations, with for our children at every age, and for our friends along the way that enter our lives. I will get to the adult relationships later.
From the time our children understand our smiles of love, our looks of no's, our daily interaction, they are like sponges...they listen, learn, look and absorb everything. The boundaries change as they age...the love always remains. They feel the love....not always agreeing with the decisions, but a firm loving parent is molding a wonderful child that will never be disrespectful, never answer back, never make a scene in a store or restaurant. We learn how to bend the rules sometimes when it comes to curfews, etc.
When arguments with our sons would come up about their curfews, my husband and I always said, “I guess we love u more, and care where u are at all hours of the night.” Many years later when they were off to college, they both said, "thank you for being the parents u were.....we always knew how much u loved us, and although we didn't always agree with the rules in the house then, we will be the same with our children." And they have ....my cup runneth over.
I am so angry when I see the disrespect, the tone of voices, the total lack of respect. Children to parent, and parents to children.......it goes both ways. I have seen horrible parents that never should have children.....no idea how to be a parent. I believe it should be mandatory if you want to become a parent to take a course on parenting skills for both sexes. We tend to emulate our parents, hopefully we learn from them and improve upon what they did. It took me a very long time to realize my parents did the best they could. That was many years later as an adult....it is not easy....what an incredible responsibility raising a child, children.
Adult relationships are not any different. Living in a condo in Florida,
as I do, meeting seniors male and female from all walks of life is the most frustrating. Sometimes angry day to day lifestyle -- senior parents being visited by their children making demands, still giving orders etc. The looks on the their faces of shame, anger. It’s the other side of the coin where the children literally dump the parent and never call, visit, or check up to see if they are well. Many die alone from lack of food or medical care...and many have jumped. Florida is known for the seniors ill or alone that jump. Many starve from lack of money or means to go shopping. I'm sorry to say, when there is a bad odor in an apt. we know someone has died. Isn't that so sad?
The adults living in a retirement community are who they have been all of their lives...they don't change. If they were angry raising families or whatever they were doing, they are all the more angry today.
The children we have -- the sons and daughters we are preparing for adulthood, deserve nothing less from us than to grow up happy, secure, honest, giving, thoughtful of others. This is our role as a parents........they deserve nothing less.... less is unacceptable....