I remember...

Originally posted 2 years ago...still feels the same now.

It's four days until the 10th anniversary of the day it all changed. Ten years can feel like such a long time ago, but in a moment I can be brought back to that morning.

I can remember every moment of the day and the days that followed.

I remember...dropping Zach at day two of kindergarten.
I remember...walking down Park Avenue to work and thinking the sky never looked this blue.
I remember...my friend Tanya calling to tell me the Trade Center had been hit by a plane.
I remember...not having a radio or CNN newsfeed, and only wanting to watch the Today Show.
I remember...Tanya calling back, now screaming the other Tower was hit by another plane.

I remember...being relieved that I hadn't gotten the job at One World Trade Center the year before.

I remember...stepping outside to smoke a cigarette and someone yelled, "the Pentagon has been hit."
I remember...deciding to pick Zach up from school and us going home to be safe.
I remember...being glued to CNN, as Zach watched cartoons in the other room.
I remember...my breath being taken away as the first Tower fell.
I remember...Zach's school receiving bomb threats.
I remember...feeling so anxious of what was going to happen next and when.
I remember...the wind changing, and the burning smell of downtown lingering on my terrace.
I remember...how I couldn't stop crying and still today cannot think about that day without crying.
I remember...watching this video over and over and feeling unimaginably sad.

But what I want to remember, is the kindness and good I saw in the people of New York. 

8-26-13

It's been 40 years since we met in seventh grade. 

We spent a lot of time together with equal time apart.

We grew up together.

We smoked apples for the first time in your room. Benson & Hedges apples.

We bought lavender hip hugger landlubbers, huck-a-poo shirts and hideous high heels.

We celebrated your sweet 16…“Does Macy’s tell Gimbels?”

We ran around Nice, Paris and London after we graduated from Dalton.

I still put Q-tips in silver cups and tissues in baskets.

I was your maid of honor and you were my matron of honor.

I was so proud of you when you received your MFA.

You were the first person I left Zach with when he was born.

Your paintings have always hung in my living room. We used to think Zach liked them so much because they looked like eyes watching over him.

There’s a little comfort in thinking that’s what they’re doing now for you.

2 boys

Sybrina Fulton and I share something special. We each gave birth to a son in 1995. She in February and I in September. I’ve spent the last 17 years worrying about my son’s safety – SIDS, choking on a grape, falling in the park, riding a bike, crossing the street, flying in a plane, getting mugged, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Never once were my fears based on the color of his skin.

I’ve spoken with moms of color who tell me about the angst they feel when they think about the conversation they must have with their sons…save the receipt for that pack of gum so you’re not accused of stealing, be respectful if stopped by the police… To hear the mom of an 8 year old speak about the safety of her soon-to-be teenage son is nothing short of tragic and horrifying, and a fear this country should have already erased by now.

When the verdict came in last night, I looked at my son and my heart broke for Sybrina Fulton.  I can hug my son and tell him I love him, but it was impossible to look at him and not think of Trayvon. 

2012....2013

The last time I wrote was one month before the presidential election, when I was more than a little worried about the direction of the country. Happy to say the right guy is firmly ensconced in the White House and I truly believe he will accomplish all he has promised. I thought the election high on November 6 would last at least until the inauguration.

I can safely say the last few months have been anything but high. I had an unexpected leak in the shower stall that was causing major flooding below us. "We're just going to tap out a few tiles, find the leak, repair it, replace the tiles and it'll be back to normal in three days." Those few tiles turned into every tile in the shower, every pipe, the tray, the fixtures, many workmen, much mess, dust and three weeks later it was done. I was exhausted. It had monopolized an inordinate amount of time, but I knew I was lucky.

During the bathroom fiasco Hurricane Sandy hit this area. It was impossible to complain about my shower when I looked at the destruction so many people were experiencing. It's been inspiring to see people volunteering time, collecting supplies, raising money and being unselfish. I find it hard to buy things I want now and keep thinking about all the people who don't have what they need let alone what they want. I have a harder time talking with people who don't think about the people who are suffering. I can't imagine.

What's been difficult in the last few months is the lack of time to breathe. It's felt like I've tackled one project after another at work, the shower, and trying to digest the destruction. But nothing prepared me for the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. It's taken everything not to sink into complete sadness. It's also taken everything not to hope someone shoots Wayne LaPierre of the NRA.

The sadness and anger is overwhelming. That Friday reminded me of 9/11. People going about their day. Taking their children to school, kissing them goodbye, never thinking it would be for the last time. It's almost impossible thinking about the 26 people who died that day...caring administrators, loving teachers and the innocent children.  I can't think about their parents. To think about their pain and their loss is a place I can't go.

But I can do something. And because I'm an eternal optimist, I cannot end this post without offering things you can do to make a difference for others...and in turn for you:

Support the Robin Hood Sandy Relief Effort.

Make snowflakes to hang in the new school that the students from Sandy Hook Elementary will attend.

Join the One Million Child March on DC for Gun Control.

Carry out 26 Acts of Kindness. Ann Curry invites you to honor the students and teachers who died. What better way.

Why Not Obama?

I'm not focusing on why Romney and very curious about why not Obama? I don't think the undecided percentage in the election is correct....well, at least if I use my friends on Facebook as a poll. I have 520 friends and 75 LIKE Obama and 7 LIKE Romney (including the 2 kids of Romney supporters who are too young to voted). I thought only 5% of Americans were undecided.  My friends are either undecided, keeping it to themselves until November 6 or just not sharing on Facebook.

If I wanted to venture a guess about the preferred candidate of the other 438 of my friends, should I assume a similar breakdown? Now I just have to remember fractions or percentages so I can really understand how many of my friends are voting for Romney. If a train is traveling 60 MPH going east....oh no,wrong equation. 7 out of 82 equals x out of 520, then x = 44.4. Math people - jump in if I'm wrong.

I usually only talk about politics amongst other like-minded people. I try to stay away from politics, religion and parenting in groups. I have very strong opinions in all three categories.  I am eager and curious to hear other points of view, but conversations of these types usually end with everyone feeling exasperated and leave with our views in the same camp as when we began.

But with less than one month to go, I'd like to understand what the draw of Romney is...or better yet, why the disappointment with Obama. We've all read the list of his accomplishments he was able to make happen without much support in Washington. It's a long list. We all remember the state our country was in when he was elected. Do any of us think we'd be in a better shape had we elected McCain/Palin four years ago?  And four years from now, will we be better off is we elect Romney?

I still want CHANGE, I still have HOPE and I still LIKE him.