monday's ultimatum

i've always been perplexed by women who proudly announce they have given someone an ultimatum. years ago those ultimatums were usually about moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children. i didn't understand why women would relinquish the power and basically sit waiting on the whim of another person. i also wondered why anyone would want to practically force someone to do something instead of having it be their idea. and usually, the ultimatum time limit would come and go and an extension would be given.

back then is when i made a deal with myself to never give anyone an ultimatum except myself. not a man i thought of as a potential husband or father, or an employer holding a sought after promotion. these ultimatums became mine -- and silent. i would make a deal with myself that usually began with some situational frustration, better known as it was time for a change. instead of holding anyone else responsible or blaming someone for not doing what i thought timely, i decided on a time frame that i could live with and that seemed realistic. mondays were usually it. a decision made at the beginning of a week was a positive step, at least in some direction.

i still do it now and monday is still the day. it allows me to feel more in control of a situation where i'm not really in control. of course by making this silent deal with myself, i become more in control.

wwcd: it's about owning your life, taking responsibility for outcomes, not blaming others

friday

why does thursday night make me think of friday which inevitably makes me think of being back in school? i'm swamped at work and need to learn to say "i'm too busy to take that on" but fortunately, i love what i do and welcome new projects. the truth is i do like to be busy and i like to think and i like to problem solve. and i also look forward to friday.

i love all the feedback i've been getting on the blog, but smile to myself when several people have asked where i get the time to write. this is not exactly complicated writing, or research intensive. i find the time to write because i enjoy it and because this blog has nothing to do with any other part of my life. it's not something i'm paid to do, it's not something i've volunteered to work on or something i've made an obligation to fulfill. it's pure pleasure and how many things in life bring only that? unencumbered with the other stuff makes this time something to look forward to - like friday!

wwcd: enjoy your friday and find something that brings you nothing but pure pleasure

we have no excuses

i remember hearing that life was one errand after another. somewhere along the line that has changed and much of my life has become a deadline. i am very cognizant of time, my calendar, my "things to do" list....and all seem to be time sensitive.

i just switched my calendar from ical to google calendar. i thought this was going to be some monumental change - so much so, that i delayed it for the last couple of years. did i blow that one out of proportion. it took no time to export my calendar from ical and import it into google calendar. and my once beloved, colorful calendar that only lived on my office mac, now follows me from computer to computer to blackberry. herein lies the blessing and the curse.

i liked the excuse of not making plans from home...deferring it to when i'm in the office. those days are gone since my calendar is now where ever i am. this made me think of all the other places where excuses no longer exist:

...it's in the mail - there's nothing in the mail, except maybe a birthday card from grandma

...the messenger must be running late - most documents are emailed now

...i couldn't call, the pay phone was broken - cell phones make us available 24/7

...and my favorite is when my son complains about how long it can take to access information on the web. i then recount my high school years of walking over to the library (in the rain), looking up the book i needed, figuring out the dewey decimal system from hell only to discover that someone had already taken out the book.

wwcd: we can afford to slow life down a bit, it's been fast-forwarded a little too quickly

my aunt died

she died last friday evening while i was at theater with amy. on sunday my brother and i went to the funeral and cemetery together. i saw family members - my cousins - whom i haven't seen in over 10 years. blood is an incredible bond and walls break down quickly. even though it's been 10 years, we fell right back into our relationship. they look the same...maybe a little grayer, thinner, blonder, shorter...funny how you remember people.

we arrived in new jersey for the service and it was great to see my cousins, despite the sad reason. i was dumbstruck when i saw my cousins' children now ages 11, 20, 21, 24, and just-turned 25. that's where the 10 years made a huge difference. about to have a bar mitzvah, in college, just graduated from college and cannot find a job, moved west for a career opportunity, and just moved in with her boyfriend and began working for a start up company. they were all so young the last time i saw them.

i felt like i missed a lifetime. i missed several. and they missed zach's. as sad as it was to be at my aunt's funeral, it was more crushing to think of all the time that we won't get back as a family.

wwcd: you cannot turn back time, but you can make the most of the time ahead

where does time go?

i woke up this morning to lucy the dog making the sound of "i'm about to throw up." that's when you know it's going to be a long day and can only get better. actually, the whole event brought me back to zach's early years, when kids are more like puppies. they need you to do everything, can't speak or feed themselves, want to run around endlessly, and then sleep a lot.

i look back on the last 14 years and think how long each day has felt...in a good way, and how quickly 14 years has passed...in a bad way. i remember my friends who were seasoned parents saying to me when he was born: enjoy each moment, the time passes quickly. all i knew at that point was that i could really function on very little sleep. since i wasn't working for the first 5 years of zach's life, time took on an odd reality and the book i wanted to write was titled: every day is tuesday. honestly, there was no differentiating the days of the week.

i embraced all ages and stages. i never wanted to rush to the next stage. what i'm having a hard time with now is that he'll be in high school next year and i'm just not sure how that happened. how have over 5000 days passed since he was born? i'm still enjoying the day to day...worrying a little of what the teenage years will bring, but have reconciled it like the terrible 2's. i approached his second birthday expecting him to be the same sweet and smiling boy. we never experienced anything terrible, so i've decided to expect the best of the teen years. i may be fooling myself....

wwcd: expect the best and prepare for a few bumps

the climb

i've always liked many different types of music, with the exception of country. something has changed and i now enjoy all types of music. i seem to gravitate to music that inspires and makes me feel good. i'm not talking about christian music - although if i could get past the genre title some of it might be inspiring. i'm talking about the songs that get you out of bed, in a good mood, off to work, out for dinner, through a bad situation.

i guarantee that if you see me walking on the street with my ipod and a smile on, i'm listening to one of these songs:

u2 - beautiful day

miley cyrus - the climb

jay z and alicia keys - empire state of mind

black eyed peas - i gotta feeling

kings of leon's - sex on fire

coldplay - viva la vida

whitney houston - i didn't know my own strength

wwcd: i dare you to listen to one of these songs and not be inspired

homework v family

i love my son's school. it happens to be where i went to school, but i didn't love it back then. i tolerated school, learned what i loved and groaned my way through the rest. i don't remember juggling all the responsibilities that i see my son faced with. we also didn't juggle all the interruptions they have now.

i had interests outside of school. i took ballet classes 4 afternoons a week after dismissal, got home late, ate dinner, did homework, watched tv and talked on the phone. on saturdays, i took a 1/2 day art class. i loved and lived for my life outside of school. homework was not something that ruled my life.

it seems as though now there is more homework and more distractions needing to be controlled. there seems to also be a debate about the relevance of homework and its purpose. my son's school has all but eliminated homework in the lower grades where most kids are actually excited about the assignments. homework in the middle and high schools is where a little control and coordination would be useful.

i've heard adam gopnik speak about homework impinging on family time and understand his position. there must be a balance that would be acceptable to schools and families. if a child is in school from roughly 8am until 3pm, is 3 hours of homework truly necessary? and if yes, truly necessary for what? college placement? success? happiness? i believe homework has a place and a purpose, but i think taking up a child's entire evening thus missing out on family time is not a positive. that is irreplaceable time.

wwcd: parents must monitor the actual amount of time spent on homework (not including facebook, i chat, etc.), see the impact on the family, and communicate with schools.

communication is key, making assumptions is not

how fragile and sensitive friendships are and how easily they can unravel. i allowed something to fester in a friendship for a couple of weeks and put the relationship in jeopardy. i made an assumption about the other person that was wrong. i always think back to that great tv moment on "the odd couple" when felix explained to oscar: when you assume you make and ass of u and me. well, this situation wasn't so much about ass-making and more about friendship-risking.

confronting uncomfortable situations isn't simple and is not an event i look forward to usually, but part of being an adult is that confrontation. the remarkable part is once you've faced that fear, the air clears, the heaviness of the situation lifts and after a few more awkward sentences, friendships pick up where they left off. women can be very forgiving - yes, we've all come across those who harp and hold onto the grudge, but as a whole we look for the reconciliation. we are usually the peace keepers and peace makers.

wwcd: if the friendship is important and you both cherish it...confront and communicate and reconcile

they're better off than we think

our grandparents wanted more for their children than they had. our parents wanted more for us than they had. and, we want more for our kids that we have. that more may mean education, money, opportunity or...

i heard anna quindlen speak today at a lunch for the 30th anniversary of parents in action, a great organization dedicated to educating parents of independent school children on the importance of communicating with your child. anna quindlen was funny, smart, thoughtful, thought-provoking, opinionated and had incredible conviction without apology.

she made the point of explaining that children are doing better. they are more accepting of race, sexual preference and women in the work force than we were at their age and even possibly now. that we have a generation of kids who have performed more community service than any other generation. and then anna posed the question: what's more important - being more accepting, helping others or making a lot of money?

as a parent of a 14 year old, i have always been more concerned with the values i instill than what profession he chooses. i'm realistic enough to know that money is important and it certainly makes life easier, but i love that my son is open, accepting and supportive of people...all people.

wwcd: maybe it's time for our children to teach us a thing or two

unlimited

most parents feel their children can do anything or be anything...their lives are filled with unlimited potential. my friend felicia told me that many black parents tell their children, "you can grow up to be anything - even president." the day after obama was elected, she said now parents can really mean what they say.

it's been important to me to raise my son zach with the feeling that he has unlimited potential - and can achieve it - with effort of course. for zach's 14th birthday, i made him a card that listed many famous people who were also born on that day. in 2 columns on the front of the card were listed their names and professions and at the bottom of the list was zach's name and for profession i wrote "anything you want to be." not sure why i got a little teary when i wrote that line, but thinking about his potential is emotional.

several people have asked me why i've taken on another "job" with this blog and my response has been that the blog brings me a great deal of pleasure and makes me think in a different way, every day. but in thinking about it more closely, i'm enjoying my unlimited potential.

wwcd: we might want to rethink unlimited potential and apply it to ourselves as well as the kids

looking forward

when my mom and stepfather divorced 32 years ago he told me that when you have nothing to look forward to, you look back. 25 years later i remembered his words as i faced my own divorce. it was comforting to look back and remember happy times, old friends, past loves. not only was it comforting it was easy to idealize those times and people and erase the painful present.

i'm thinking that some marketing genius at facebook realized this as well and marketed to the over 40 year old hoping that enough were unhappy with the now and wanted to look back. this group must be a big part of their business. is the need to reconnect with friends, loves from your past because of missing something in your life now or just curiosity?

it's definitely exciting at first to rekindle relationships. after the initial "friending" has taken place and the burst of information trading is completed, conversations seem to progress in only a couple of ways: 1. you realize that you haven't spoken in 30 years because you don't have anything in common and it pretty much fizzles then and there, or 2. realize that the friendship or relationship you had still has a special spark and you begin a new phase of the relationship in the now.

wwcd: with that spark in place, move it forward and don't look back

who holds the power

when i was in my early 20s i had a client who was in his 50s and he used to say to me that if women understood the power they possess, they would rule in business. of course, at that time, i had no idea what he was talking about. over the years i've come to realize that he meant: women have what most men want and men don't always think with their brains, therefore, women are in control.

it's not often we hear about married women in powerful positions involved in a sex scandal. my guess is between the career, kids, husband and friends, she's too tired to think about or have sex. but men are different. they risk so much for a little something on the side. clinton, edwards, sanford and just recently letterman have risked their families and careers.

to digress for a moment ... i'm a little more personally invested in the letterman story. i've had a not-so-secret crush on him since i was 21, so i'm feeling a little sad that i never applied for an internship back then.

i've worked in offices where men made inappropriate advances, but i never felt my job was threatened. i thought and still think that in many situations it's the way the woman responds to advances that determines the outcome. and may determine her future. please know i'm aware there are situations that are more serious, but many office dalliances are harmless and quite consensual.

wwcd: men in power are magnetic and will also be attractive to some women, but if women continue to think with their brains and keep their sense of humor, they will call the shots.

your mani pedi friend

i think we each have certain friends in our lives for certain reasons or certain activities....your friend to have lunch with, the other who loves to walk in the park, the one you always talk on the phone with, the one you can be a little bit snarky with, the one who can convince you to go to the gym....and the special ones you can cry with, let down your guard, and hold nothing back.

friendships are incredibly powerful and i have always held my friends close to my heart and consider them as important as family. tanya and i have been friends for 45 years. we lived in the same building, on the same floor at opposite ends of the hall and met when we were 5. we went to different schools, had and have different friends, but share a history that's taken us through all of our schooling, first loves, first jobs, first men, our parents divorces, our weddings, her moving to a different state, the birth of our sons, my divorce, and our families' many ups and downs.

new friends don't share all the memories, but friendships made as adults are based on different criteria. they don't know you through all the different stages in your life, but they've chosen to be friends with you now and like you for who you are now. my newer friends like barrilizfelicia and norasusankathy and mariaariellesarah and vivianjanetamy don't share the memories i share with tanya, but we're definitely making some good future memories.

wwcd: cherish the past, enjoy the present and share it all with a friend.

thinking women

recently i was part of an evening workshop where about 20 participants were asked to identify 5 different groups that we identify with. we wrote them down and then went around the circle and read the 5 identifiers. i identified as a mom, woman, creative, jew and friend. the most common answer was parent. others included groups based on religion, gender, scholastic achievement, race, marital status, career.

in the second go around we were asked to explain a time when we were proud to be part of one of the groups. i told the story, and actually got very emotional, about zach growing into such a good and kind person and how much i enjoy watching him grow up. there were a few more proud parent stories and one extremely painful story about a premature birth and how proud this woman was of the challenges her baby overcame. then we heard a lot of anecdotes about academic success and professional success. the third time around the circle proved more challenging for some. we needed to recall a time when we weren't proud to be part of one of our groups. we heard stories about race and some parenting challenges. my "not proud" thoughts were not clear and then the group came to me. women.

i am not proud to be identified as a woman when i meet smart women who have stopped thinking. there seems to be a few reasons why this happens: got married and don't need to work or stayed home to take care of the kids. please don't think i'm passing judgement - i stayed home with zach for 5 years and loved every minute. i was definitely the mommy in the sand box and had the play date house. but i think i loved it as much as i did because i also had interests in my life that had nothing to do with zach or my then husband.

wwcd: have a little part of your life that's just yours. have that part also need you to think. it's not about having a job. you could join a reading group, have a standing scrabble game with friends, volunteer your time for a meaningful cause, take a class, start a business. you'll challenge yourself in ways your children don't and feel something that no one can give you, but you.

if it makes you happy

every now and then i make a conscious decision to smile a lot during the day. it's amazing the responses you get from people you know and even those you don't. it's less about the smile and more about making others happy. i live in a city where people are often rushing or busy or late or tired or in a bad mood. i do also live in a city filled with funny, smart, and creative people who sometimes let life get the best of them.

i've always loved smiling at babies and children because their responses are unencumbered with concern for what others think. i've come to enjoy smiling at people who look the grumpiest and find it personally rewarding getting a smile in return. it can be one of the simple moments in a busy day. if you can slow down enough to see how making someone else happy can change your mood, you have found the easy and unmedicated way of making yourself happy.

wwcd: breathe a little...take a minute to smile....think about someone else....realize how lucky you are in the world. doing something for someone will put a smile on your face.

soundtrack of your life

during most times in my life, there is definitely a soundtrack playing. for some people they have memories based on food, others smells…me, it’s definitely music. what’s amazing to me is the power music has to change the mood, my mood.

i grew up in the 70s and started going to concerts at madison square garden when i was 14. i saw sly stone get married, paul mccartney with wings, richard nader’s rock and roll revivals, david bowie, and more concerts than my memory permits. after my senior prom, we went to studio 54 where we spent as many nights as our parents would allow us to dance the night away. music and dancing were and are a very powerful combination.

sharing a love of music with zach has grown over the years. when he was 3, my friend, alex, and her 2 year old son, julian, would come over for bad weather disco afternoons. we’d move the furniture in the living room, put on donna summer or evelyn champagne king, or chic, crank up the stereo and the 4 of us would dance. there’s nothing quite as cute as two little boys dancing to disco.

flash forward 11 years and i still thoroughly enjoy sharing music with zach….better yet, he keeps me current. i love kings of leon, ne-yo, the blackeyed peas, and even green day. recently, i took zach to his first madison square garden concert to see green day for his 14th birthday. it brought back a lot of memories.

wwcd: grab your ipod, push shuffle and go for a walk or better still, move the furniture in your living room, call the family in and crank up the music…

don't let it expire

i got up this morning with the best of intentions to go to westport. friends we haven't seen in a long time live there and columbus day seemed like the day to turn that around. called avis and rented a car - pick up at 11am at 64th street. zach and i started getting ready. as a new yorker who doesn't have a car now and who doesn't drive often, i went to get my license out of the drawer. decided to look at it only to find that it expired last july on my 50th birthday. i really don't drive often.

in my 20s i let my license expire past the point of just renewing it. i had to take both the written and the driving test again. my younger brother had to drive me down to the dmv. took and passed the written with no trouble. got into the car with the gentleman giving the driving test portion and said to him, "i've been driving for years, wouldn't it be funny if i failed?" deadpan he said, "you wouldn't be the first." luckily, not to add to my humiliation, i passed.

wwcd: the recommendation for today is to check all things that expire - driver's licenses, passports, library books, warrantees, prescriptions, the milk...and anything else in your life that expires.

get cultured

i've been sucked into the vortex of blogging...better known as my son, zach, set this up and suggested i write. i've read blogs and taken some to heart. i've thought some are completely lame and i would like mine to be relevant....not lame.

so, in trying to name this blog, zach and i came up with several ideas, but i kept coming back to a phrase coined by my friend, barri, several years ago. wwcd: what would casper do isn't an advice column - i'm certainly no dear abby! i'm going to try to write one constructive and positive thought each day.

i think living in nyc comes with a responsibility of taking advantage of the culture this city offers. i've lived here all my life and enjoy it more when i feel a part of it. zach and i saw "hamlet" today. even though the traffic for a sunday was bumper to bumper (i still don't understand the broadway mall addition), we spent 3 uninterrupted hours engrossed in amazing theater. and jude law.

wwcd: get some culture. there's theater, art, music....buy the times and make a list of events at museums or shows at galleries that look interesting and put it on your calendar. take a look at the theater section for a revival or new musical or go online and get the listings of music at the garden, b.b. kings, the beacon, the nokia theater and buy tickets. i'm trying for something new at least once a month.