what are your expectations?

there was an interesting news story yesterday- i think on nbc -  about how people used to think that if you're kids were not good and didn't behave properly, then you were a bad parent. well, apparently there's a new study that shows it may not be your parenting technique at fault - may just be the way your child is hard wired. is this supposed to make us feel better? do we now have the survey's blessings to further relinquish our parenting responsibilities? 

i'll give you an outlier or two who may fit this survey, but i would like to suggest there are more parents that just need some guidance and strength than bad kids. i really don't think kids are bad. what if i said that in addition to love, boundaries and rules your children need to know what expectations you have for them? except for love, all of these needs change at every age and stage of their lives. in addition, i think parents need to set their own personal expectations. so, you adapt and restructure you're own first and then bring the kids along with their new expectations.

so what happens if you haven't set both types of expectations? many of us have either seen or experienced the following:

- a 2 year old melting down in a restaurant

- a 5 year old having a tantrum in a toy store

- a 8 year old hitting a parent

- a 11 year old calling a parent stupid

- a 14 year old lying to a parent

- a 16 year old breaking curfew by an hour

the real question is - are we doing the kids a favor by not setting expectations? it's definitely easier to say yes sometimes and give in to a request or a want, but in the long run it may not be in anyone's best interest....especially yours.

wwcd: with an almost 15 year old at home, it might be time to reset our expectations 

do i need an umbrella?

what a metaphor for life. aunt judy sent me a link to this weather site - do i need an umbrella? - and i started thinking how interesting it would be if instead of just answering "yes" or "no" the site told you what you needed instead of an umbrella. 

"no rain today, but ...

... start looking for another job, you're getting fired."

... don't answer your phone, your family is going to try and drive you crazy."

... when was the last time you sat down and read a good book?"

or 

"yes, bring your umbrella and...

... hire a babysitter and treat yourself to a spa day. you deserve it."

... visit an old friend."

... pick up some boxes - it's time to clean out your closets."

how easy would life be if every morning you could click on a website and it would suggest what you should do or think about today. it might just be a way to raise or pose an interesting idea or suggestion that you may have overlooked or it might actually have the ability to redirect the path you're on.

wwcd: looking for a web designer to launch www.whatdoineedtodotoday.com

an idea for the nyt

seems like in these times you can get what you want, how you want it, and when you want it. you have different phone and cable and internet plans, packages at the spa and gym, meals at restaurants, clothing made to order, home furnishings, etc. you can get those things the way you want it ... but not the new york times.

some of you might be saying: "you're still having the nyt delivered? read it online." well, i tried that for about 3 months and i missed certain sections - arts, living, home and garden, fashion, science, dining, week in review. the fluff. i read all the news i need online, but i miss reading these sections live, with the paper on my lap and ink on my fingers.

the nyt offers only a few versions for delivery - 7 days a week, monday thru friday, saturday and sunday, and the weekender (which i guess also includes friday). how about the "i read enough news and would just like the fluff" option? it couldn't be that difficult to send all the fluff sections on sunday. i think in this electronic age, it's a buyers market and the nyt might want to re-think their options.

wwcd: start writing an op-ed piece - "have it your way"

a graduation of some sort

i had dinner last night with my guardian angel. you might remember me describing this person as the one who contacted me when i decided to change the way i was living. for the last 5.5 months, she has walked with me and talked with me, had me set goals, and gave me menu ideas. and i'm very lucky because there are a couple of more friends who have also been cheerleaders.

but tonight seemed like the end of something....and i don't really do endings well. i know our friendship is there and i know that if i need her to help me again - she'll be there. but all the goals we set to complete in 6 months have been accomplished and i feel as though i've graduated from something. as with all graduations, they can be met with mixed emotions. leaving the comfort of what you know and moving out into an unknown. well, i know this unknown...it's my life.

but honestly, it's not over. i've set some new goals...the rest of my summer goals. trying not to let this feel like the end of something. thx again, GA.

wwcd: i'm going to pay it forward and help a friend

everything you want and nothing you need

"you have everything you want and nothing you need." i heard someone say this to the person they were having lunch with. that was the statement that changed the direction of their conversation. it actually made me a bit sad thinking that this is true of many people. don't misunderstand, i think people are completely entitled to have things they want too, but what a concept - not having anything you need.

so it begged the question: what do i need? i need good health and want the people i love to have good health too. i need caring friends and i want to care about them. i need a job or volunteer project to keep my brain working and i want it to be meaningful. i need a roof and food, but i don't need or want all this stuff that has accumulated over the years in my house. it's just stuff.

and what i want is....a house in the bvis (on the beach!), tickets to a justin timberlake concert, flowers that don't die, the ability to wear high heels and not feel it the next day, and time.

wwcd: trying to keep the balance of what i need and want

dear mayor bloomberg

i've been thinking about your 3rd term and all of the incredible things you'll be able to accomplish. i think you have a special opportunity since you don't have to worry about another election, thus allowing you to take a risk or two and be a little out there in your thinking. i wouldn't be so presumptuous to give you a suggestion about finance or union relations, but i do have an idea for you about a new role. a volunteer position, of course.

i think the time is right for a deputy mayor of manners. has a nice ring, don't you think? manners, for some reason, seem to have become unimportant and optional. i'd like to help start a grassroots effort in nyc and have it grow throughout our country. we need to bring back manners so the children can have better examples set by adults.  also, with so much technology available with so many opportunities for mistakes at each click, we need a deputy mayor of manners.

if we agree that it's time for adults to start setting a positive example again, here's another area we can make more of an impact. we can take the lead from oprah on driving and texting, but you have the ability to go one step further and slap them with a significant fine - not a $130 mini-smack. and my personal pet peeves - i'm wondering what type of campaign would convince people that either walking down the street while texting and expecting others to move out of your way, or standing in a group blocking others from walking down the block, is just rude? 

wwcd: if you have another minute, can we talk about our public schools

i wanna be a...

whether it's an astronaut, policeman, scientist, princess or teacher, kids have been answering the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question forever. i remember wanting to be a dancer or a back-up singer. ask my friend tanya what we used to do in her apartment and she'd smile and say: we put on our go go outfits (white boots and all), stand in front of the mirror in her living room, put on loud music and dance. we were practicing for the go go cages that were going to be in our club - the pussy cat club. you gotta love 10 year olds!

and if you track my life, i have always wanted that club. i loved being a dancer in the ballet school i went to every day after school, i also loved being part of broadway musicals as an audience member, i completely loved going to studio 54 and dancing until all hours of the morning, but the truth is - i can be just as happy cranking up the music and dancing again in the living room (with or without the white boots). 

what strikes me is how many adults are now asking themselves this very same question about what they want to be. have we ventured far from our childhood passions and we're trying to get them back or are we just prioritizing our lives differently? it's a great opportunity to get back to who you wanted to be.

wwcd: dust off those old white boots and turn up the music

the movie is all right

just when you think you've been reduced to crying at toy story 3 or laughing at the teenage boy humor in get him to the greek, along comes a movie written for adults with adult actors. i just saw the kids are all right and to say that i loved it is an understatement. it's everything i enjoy in a movie.

smart and clever writing with real dialog is not typical and here it flowed easily. the story line was simple even though it had complex layers. the fact that the 2 main characters are lesbians, was just accepted, not glorified or downplayed or over emphasized. actresses with that waxy botox look can be found any and everywhere, but in this movie annette bening and julianne moore, who are 52 and 50 (admittedly) respectively, look beautiful. beautifully real with their lines and freckles.

the other actors - mark ruffalo, as the sperm donor, and his 2 offspring with 2 women are equally as good and solid characters. i loved the style of the movie - the music, home decor, bracelets. i'm not kidding when i say the movie hit a chord....and adult chord.

wwcd: hoping this movie is successful and studios see the need for more like this

make your intentions known

my friend brad taught zach how to drive (or steer...not sure which you use) his boat last weekend. make your intentions known was the over arching theme of how to drive properly and safely. kind of a simple statement and certainly a metaphor for how to live your life.

whether it's reflected in your career or love life or simply driving a vehicle, with this attitude you come from a position of strength and determination. knowing that you want a certain career position and making your intentions known shows initiative and clarifies uncertainties. in relationships, making your intentions known, reminds me of that sex and the city episode about he's just not that into you. the man miranda had gone out with once and had not come upstairs at the end of the date was just not that into her and when this was explained to her it was such an epiphany.

making your intentions known is a lot more honest and direct than just not being into someone, but implementing these intentions can be a challenge. if you start off slowly - like in the car or on the boat - see what kind of response you get when you put it out there. seems like when you're sure of where you're going or what you want, respect for your confidence is part of the response.

wwcd: try to make my intentions known

starting 51 tomorrow

to all of my friends who are freaked out about age - your current age or a future one - i can tell you that as a whole person, the best is yet to come. and this is coming from someone who had a very good time in my 20s, 30s and 40s. and even though my 40s were filled with challenges, not having anything to do with my age, i still found time for a little fun.

if we really look back at our earlier life and peel back the layers, i know i'd find an insecure, responsible, outgoing, in love, shy, friendly, anxious, lovelorn, determined, doubting, confident young woman who wanted nothing more than to be happy. trying new things, getting emotionally hurt, smiling and meaning it, overcoming challenges, meeting new people, forgiving your family and also doing some stupid things - isn't this what growing up is all about?

i've enjoyed the very good times and suffered through the not so good times in my life, but i wouldn't trade in one of the bad times because that's where the life lessons live. all of those cumulative life lessons have brought me to 51 and a place of comfort, compassion and resilience. 

wwcd: if getting older means accepting yourself, thinking about others and being able to move on from a difficult situation, sign up