get a life

it was a sitcom with chris elliott. it can be interpreted as a nasty suggestion, but i'm thinking now it's a bit more definitive. i'd like to propose a new version of it: get a real life or get your own life. this may just be my knee jerk response to all of the reality tv that exists. don't get me wrong, i've been known to watch the complete season of big brother....maybe even all 12 seasons, but what's on now scares me.

actually, many of the shows are repulsive. some of the names alone are concerning:

16 and pregnant

19 kids and counting

30 seconds of fame

american's next top model

the biggest loser

bridal boot camp

but the sex is so good

dating in the dark

fake-a-date

for love or money

hair battle spectacular

hoarders

keeping up with the kardashians

nyc prep

the real housewives of....just about anywhere

and the worst of the worst

sarah palin's alaska

what i don't understand is the obsession people have watching other people live. is it wanting to be them? or not liking your life as much as the people on tv? i'd like to think maybe it's to appreciate your life more after watching one of these shows. 

wwcd: one doable resolution for me is not to waste my life watching someone else's life...and happy new year!

something out of a sitcom

in fact, i think this may have been a mary tyler moore episode - and i was playing rhoda. i've been looking forward to break starting - a concept i never had while working in corporate, but one i embrace wholeheartedly. it's the first sunday of break and i'm meeting a friend for brunch downtown. she wasn't mary...maybe more like phyllis. after brunch we walked up to chelsea market and into anthropologie. normally, this would be a welcomed stop, but about 1/2 hour into it i started feeling odd. after what seemed like a very long taxi ride home, i realized i had a dinner that night - with mary.  

once in home and in bed, i called mary and said i wasn't feeling well, but could be dragged downstairs to EAT for a bowl of chicken matzoh ball soup. mary has been sick for the last couple of weeks and was just as happy to not venture far. when the last matzoh ball was finished, i knew it was time for sleep. upstairs we go, mary to 4 and me to 8. see, just like mary and rhoda. i wasn't in the house 10 minutes  when chills and sweats started.

those chills and sweats lasted all night and most of the next day. i don't remember  being that sick in a long time. i had several calls from friends who were incredibly generous with offers to drop things off. of course, mary called too.  i was able to sleep better monday night and by tuesday morning felt almost normal. i thought about rushing back to life and then thought not. i spent the morning at home - in bed still. at about 1pm i went for a walk and enjoyed the sunshine i hadn't let into my bedroom for 2 days. and when i returned, headed for the couch instead. brought the laptop over and started answering emails, surfed the web and wrote a bit. all seemed to be going well, but as we all know, life was never smooth for rhoda. when i decided it was time to return to bed, i picked up the laptop and reached over to place it on the coffee table and that's when hell broke loose.

i felt searing pain in the middle of my back. did i pull it? was it a heart attack? yes, i'm neurotic enough to think many symptoms are due to a heart attack. as i felt this tremendous pain i received a text from mary checking in on me. a sign from god? i am having a heart attack and here's my lifeline. i called mary and she convinced me it was a back spasm and a heating pad and advil would help. while we were on the phone, the doorbell rang, the dog went nuts, and i had to walk to the front door. once opened, i find that carlton the doorman left me a package....on the floor. seriously? soccer dribbled it inside and went back to the heating pad. after 3 hours with the heating pad, i ventured into a hot shower and went to bed. scroll credits.

wwcd:  hoping dr. kildare makes a guest appearance soon

dear nate

i don't remember how many years ago it was when i first saw you on oprah, but i remember thinking what a bundle of happiness and talent you possess. your sensitivity always came through with each person or family you shared your designs with. it always seemed that you wore your heart on your sleeve and didn't hide your happiness or sadness in a way that feels very familiar and comforting. 

i smiled along with you when a family loved their newly-designed home. you made my heart hurt when you appeared on oprah after you lost your partner in the tsunami. i do believe that everything in life happens for a reason and we sometimes never fully understand why, except that whatever happens changes us forever. and sometimes we're lucky if it makes us more sensitive.

what i enjoy so much now is watching you come into your own on your show. i love all of the different segments, but what feels so meaningful are the ones where you help those who are missing something in their life. whether it's a new bedroom, couch or holiday decorations, you've given them something more important than a thing, you've made a difference in their life. how special to be in a position to help many...and to set an example for so many more.

wwcd: it's really so easy to make a difference in someone's life

...family

i'm finding it hard not to think about family today and the fragility of relationships. watching the funeral of elizabeth edwards, and listening to her daughter eulogize her mother feels a bit overshadowed by the poor choices of john edwards. waking up to the news of mark madoff's suicide is yet another tragedy caused by the incomprehensible choices of bernie madoff. a day filled with so much reverberating sadness. may they both have found peace.

it doesn't take a death to kill a family. the dynamic is delicate. bonds broken over poor choices. irreconcilable differences. grudges. when whittled down to the core, each indiscretion or action seems to come from a lack of respect for the person and the relationship.

as hard as it is at times to balance family demands, i try to make it a priority. it doesn't by any means always work. i do a lot of it the wrong way. it's hard at times do what's right, respect your elders, observe traditions, make unpopular choices, be in 5 places at once, and not always be in the 5 right places at once. but setting examples for children may be the only way we can insure the respect for family lives on.

wwcd: try to keep it all balanced

the blessing of...

i don't usually send fan mail, but author wendy mogel deserves it. this weekend i read her book, the blessing of a b minus, and was wowed. not by her writing, which is warm and welcoming.  or her knowledge, which is rich and thorough. or her her advice, which is so sound and thoughtful. i think what wowed me was the total package and how it reinforced what i fully believe.

i also believe the simplest ideas are usually the best. her ideas about parenting are very simple - not to be confused with easy. and even though she uses jewish teachings, it's not religious. wendy's earlier book the blessing of a skinned knee was very similar, but it  focused on younger children. her new book is geared for parents of teens. certainly a group facing a different set of challenges than those with younger children.

it's hard to argue with the simple concept of respect your parents.  it's also hard to argue that responsibility, resilience, rules and expectations aren't the foundation of great parenting -- for any age child. her advice is grounded -- pick your battles, set realistic expectations, remember they are teenagers,  it's their life and you're not reliving your teen years, practice detachment, and let them go. and even though letting go is inevitable and what all of our parenting work is for, wendy tells us to allow the heartache we will feel. 

wwcd: i plan to hold this book close to keep me in check and give me strength

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

i'm feeling like change is in the air. not sure if it's because 2010 is nearing the end and a spanking fresh new year is just around the corner, but i'm feeling it. then again, that feeling might be there because i need it to be. i've never been much of a stuck-in-a-rut person. i usually welcome change and enjoy the newness of things, relationships, jobs, homes. there is something special about starting fresh.

the smell of a new car, a freshly painted room, a chance meeting, or a new job. for me it's all about potential. yes, i know, that leather or paint smell gets old pretty fast and we're thankful it dissipates quickly. a new relationship is amazingly energizing and then i prefer the hyped up feelings to morph into ones more cozy and relaxed. and the new job, well, the first 6-12 months are draining in a way that you look forward to forgetting once acclimated.

we live in a society that reveres new and doesn't show a great deal of respect to old. we replace electronics faster than steve jobs can create them. we erase lines of experience, trading them in for a more youthful appearance. and we might not put as much effort in as we should at making a relationship work or keeping a job challenging, quickly admitting defeat or boredom. and then again, we sometimes figure out the old car just has more character than the newer model.

wwcd: wondering why i welcome change as much as i do.  what about you?

you got me thinking

i spoke with a friend the other night or rather i babbled and he spoke. i am so tired and have been for the last few months that i cannot seem to get enough sleep to make me not tired. that being said, it's my fault. i've over-scheduled myself: with work, volunteer commitments, and family. we all get it, we're all busy.

but my friend said, ever since i've know you, you've always been swamped. i just agreed, but later on wondered if that's how people see me....as the busy one. don't get me wrong, i like to be busy. and don't get me wrong, i love to do nothing too.

it's amazing to me how stressed i've felt the last few weeks. being pulled in too many directions and not keeping any or enough time for me. each time i find myself in this position, i make a promise not to let it happen again. and then it does...and in addition to being overwhelmed, i'm then mad at myself...all making for an even wamer and cozier feeling.

and here I am again. truth is i'm finally starting to get a handle on it all...but i put myself through such stress to get to a place of breathing. i am sitting here laughing at the geico commercial with the pig squealing all the way home, so i must be getting back to a bit of my normal self.

wwcd: keep the promise to myself

teenage dream

i've posted a couple of blogs about the bullying of gay teens and their tragic suicides and i wanted to find something positive happening for them. i've been doing a lot of reading about sexuality and how and when to introduce homosexuality to children. i loved how the book it's so amazing represented families and the different types that exist. earlier today i was telling someone about how i started reading this book to zach when a friend of mine was pregnant with twins and he wanted to know what the twins were doing in her tummy.

i was surprised at how informative the book was. what i didn't know was how beautifully it described a family. it was all so perfectly matter-of-fact. adopted, bi-racial, gay. zach and i started reading it when he was 5 years old and there's no doubt in my mind that a gay family is as normal to him now as a stero-typical male/female marriage. it's not even a question of being accepting of other people. it just is and they just are. 

even as the tea party gains momentum, i am so positive that a show like glee is on television. to have a show with gay characters dealing with everything from being bullied to falling in love is such a  great step. to have gay teens represented on such a widely watched show will hopefully normalize what many consider normal. if only there had been a gay brady in the bunch...or mary and rhoda were a couple...maybe it would have helped some of my friends during their teen years.

wwcd: how about a remake of the odd couple?

20 years later

dear daddy,

one month ago would have been your 80th birthday, but you didn't even live to see your 60th. you were involved in my life more when i became an adult, but your impact on me as a child was huge. 

recently i've had the most vivid memories of some of our time together...everything from the giant stuffed pink dog and tropical fish you bought to meeting the monkees (especially davy jones) to seeing "death wish" to your up beat wake up calls in europe every morning. each evoking such a different side of you. i know there are many more memories, but these are the ones that have surfaced.

it's also hard to forget your temper and easy frustrations with parenting. having now been a mom for 15 years, i think i understand you better. we're very different parents, different people with some striking similarities.  we both love the art and challenge of selling ideas. we can be generous to a fault.  and we can appear positive when we don't feel so positive.

wwcd: wish i understood the impact of our relationship 

a view from my small city

i left work at 4pm last thursday and was home, changed clothes, and lucy and i were in the park at 4:25. it was a perfect fall day and the light was beautiful. the leaves are beginning to change and the air is a bit crisp. we entered the park on 80th and fifth and got about 100 feet into the park when i ran into an old friend. little did i know she would be the first of 4 friends roaming central park.

my old friend and i share more than just the school we attended, we're parents there too. we hadn't seen each other in quite a while and fell into many conversations about teachers, kids, life. we talked for so long that when i looked down at lucy, she was shivering from the cold. time to make our way to the great lawn and the sunset.

i was able to squeeze in 2 miles before the sun began going down and i started on my way home. before i was even off the track that surrounds the great lawn, there was friend #2. and even though we moved the conversation along since it was getting dark, we had a nice little visit. as happy as i was to run into friends #3 and #4, time wasn't going to allow for much. a smile and hello - i was a little distracted and focused on getting home. but the smile was sincere and even though my plan had gotten derailed, this was fun...truly, unexpectedly fun.

walking in the park lets me feel like i'm living in the country. spending my whole life in ny and i've always thought about living in a small town. what it would feel like to know people in town and how comforting that would be. but to have those country feelings in this city is unexpectedly even more comforting.

wwcd: enjoying the irony of nyc feeling small

granny

i have a friend who is going to be a grandma soon. i have another friend who is going to have her 4th child. they are only a few years apart in age and i thought i'd be a lot older or younger before saying either. it's gotten me thinking about what a grandparent is or can be which in turn has gotten me thinking about what a parent is. the old story about the grandparent spoiling the child with gifts and candy only to hand them back to the parents doesn't really resonate with me.

i just heard debbie boone describe how her mother-in-law, rosemary clooney, beamed each and every time her grandchildren entered the room. unconditional love - that's one of the links a parent and grandparent can share. parents of course need to be disciplinarians, time out givers, "no" deliverers, homework enforcers, curfew cops, and also love unconditionally, but grandparents need only be the good guys. what a great person to be in a child's life. what a great opportunity to impart knowledge, foster an interest, be a hero, enjoy sports or theater, all the while having a great time. and then bring them home.

i've been thinking about what kind of grandma i'd like to be (many years from now!). i don't think i'm the grandma walton or granny clampett type. too stodgy or too crazy. i have always had an affinity for auntie mame and would imagine i'd like to be the eccentric grandma with just a toe grounded in reality. what a great adventure life would be. and the best part of all will be the special chance to see it all through the eyes of a child again.

wwcd: i'd like to open an new window, open a new door, travel a new highway...

the 4 r's

with all the news about teens committing suicide, especially gay teens, what has struck me is how so many people have spoken up. i cannot imagine anything more important than preventing another child from being bullied, let alone killing themselves. feeling alone and not accepted...many say they've shared those same feelings in middle or high school. but to think about killing yourself...really killing yourself, there are no words that people should say to cause those feelings.

councilman joel burns from fort worth spoke out and from his heart. his speech is so personal...for 12 minutes it's hard to watch him and not feel some of the pain he's felt. i dare you not to be angry after you watch this video...angry that mr. burns experienced so much pain and angry that the children he spoke of are dead because of other children who didn't think about their words and actions.

how are we raising children who think it's ok to cause such pain?  it's unacceptable to me that another child should die because they feel alone or different. parents and schools need to recognize that respect may just be as important as the 3 r's to learn and maybe we need to make it the 4r's.

wwcd: find and share more heroes like joel burns

bio sat ii

i've got 3 posts i'm writing at once and this is the least emotional topic. and since this so completely emotional, you can imagine what the other 2 must be like...

even though it's odd to think about and even talk about, college is looming. not for me, but for zach. i know, he's just started high school and has 4 amazing years ahead of him, but it seems that for all his school's efforts to suppress college talk, it's happening everywhere with students and parents. sats, sat iis, acts, tutors, applications, course choices, classroom chatter, and on and on.

and yesterday it all became a little more real. one of his substitute math teachers talked to the kids about the bio sat ii. this is the one i've heard about for the last several years - if zach is good at science, have him take the sat ii after 9th grade bio and one test is done. so the substitute confirmed this and then recommended signing up for the june test now.

now? you mean like right now, today? that leads me to my introduction to the college experience. i set up an account with collegeboard.com...it's official...he's official. i didn't bother filling in the parts about gpas, interests, courses...that seemed a bit premature, but i did sign up for the sat question of the day. i'm 2 for 2 and feel like i'm ready to take them again. i'd probably enjoy the process now much more than i did in the 70s. but luckily for me, it's zach's turn. and, fortunately for zach, he's better suited to the whole process.

wwcd: if you're on a train that's traveling south at 50 miles per hour, how long... 

tolerate this?

what's been interesting to me since i began writing this blog last october is how the tone of it changes. it seems to depend on the news or my mood. it also depends on how brave i'm feeling at that moment.  this blog can make me feel very vulnerable. putting my thoughts out there on this page, facebook, twitter or linkedin puts me out there in a way that takes me out of my comfort zone. i know, so why do i do it? i like the challenge it presents.

i enjoy the days when i feel so strongly about a topic that i don't hold back and over think what i write. having conviction about something....anything makes me feel human. i don't understand apathy, indifference or mental laziness. i don't understand not having an opinion. you either like it or don't, think it's right or wrong, believe in it or not. i love the gray areas in discussion, but not too much of it it in a final decision.

i don't understand why more people aren't outraged by the suicide of tyler clementi and with all of these news stories about bullying. why more people don't stand up and say - i'm mad as hell and i'm not going to take this anymore - is beyond me. bullying or discrimination should not be tolerated and as long as people accept it and don't say anything....well, it will continue and more lives or souls are put in jeopardy.

ellen degeneres has put herself out there again and hopefully more people will follow her lead. you don't have to be famous, you just have to care.

wwcd: i'm mad as hell and i'm not going to tolerate this anymore

kim and ingrid

i often wonder what the human spirit can endure. the miners trapped underground, those held hostage for days or weeks or years at a time, being the parent of an abducted child, watching a love one suffer, being the last surviving member of your family. each scenario is painfully unimaginable, yet people go on to live their lives after the unimaginable.

so many people have such strong constitutions and the desire to live. when i read or hear about a person who has survived the unimaginable, to juxtapose it with the person who finds the smallest of challenges a nightmare, is what keeps it all in perspective for me. i almost never use the word nightmare in fear of facing a real nightmare at some point. because then what would i call that?

early last week i listened to ingrid betancourt on oprah discuss her book, even silence has an end, and later on in the week i went to a cocktail party in honor of an old friend's new book, i just lately started buying wings. two completely different life stories, but both faced with unimaginable pain. watching ingrid and seeing kim each looking like they have conquered the world was comforting. i like knowing that it's possible to overcome so much and still have the ability to go on.

wwcd: continue to add to my group of role models who inspire me

the day that changed my life

15 years ago today you were born. had someone told me being a mom would be this great, i would have definitely started earlier. i've loved each day and have never laughed, worried or cried as much as i have since september 23, 1995. 

i remember the pregnancy being pretty uneventful. a little gas here, a little carpal tunnel there and a house that was kept at a brisk 65 degrees. august was the hottest month. from the moment you arrived, i knew being a mom was what i was meant to be and i was very lucky because you made it so easy.

it's been an amazing 15 years and for some reason these memories are surfacing today:

- if the terrible 2s was about you learning not to push over every child you saw, well, we all survived that with a few timeouts. even those unlucky enough to be pushed.

- when you didn't want me to leave you at pre-school,  i listened to your teacher, ms. debono, when she said just sit outside the classroom on one of those tiny chairs and zach will let you know when he feels ok to be here by himself. after an uncomfortable 6 weeks, you did it with a quick slam of the classroom door. 

- i remember you wanting to be first every morning at the first program's red door and saying goodbye without looking back. and how tall you'd grown by the time you finished 3rd grade and ready for 89th street.

- learning to ride your 2-wheeler without training wheels in the basketball court. i'll never forget that smile on your face when you finally did it.

- making me so incredibly proud at every parent-teacher conference and confirming each time you're where you should be.

- and when lucy joined our family and her excitement when you come home - even if you've only been gone a few minutes.

- being in awe when you balanced continuing with mandarin and learning hebrew in the same year for your bar mitzvah.

there are many more memories and i'm not sure why these are the ones coming to mind today, but i'm enjoying thinking about those times again.  happy birthday, zach!

wwcd: looking forward to the next 15 years and all of the new and amazing memories that i'll have

mike is my marlboro man

i usually walk in the morning. less noise. less people. less traffic. and apparently less smokers. today i walked late in the day - actually it was evening rush hour - and i couldn't get over how noisy and busy the gas fume-filled streets were. the worst of it all was how many smokers were out on the street at that time. there were at least 3 per block and i walked 60 blocks. started feeling like i was smoking again.

i hear that mike bloomberg - nyc's lame duck mayor who might try to push through as many controversial ideas as possible before he leaves office - has backed extending the smoking ban to include public parks and beaches. what would it take for him to include sidewalks?

i know, i know, i smoked until 7 years ago and i infuriated my share of non-smokers with my habit. i'm now an unforgiving convert....and as my mother would say, "converts are the worst." what i can't get over is how selfish a habit smoking is. the only other legal vice that impacts others to this degree - by possibly causing health issues or death - is driving drunk. one is just more obviously dramatic, but the end result is quite similar.

wwcd:  wondering why bloomberg can't ban cigarettes instead of smoking

think globally + act locally

it's hard to think or say america should not help countries in need of support. whether it's with money, food or military assistance. if i could, i would help the world, seriously, i would really help the world. but i know that i can make more of an impact if i look locally. if we all thought about our local, imagine how powerful an impact we could make...in our neighborhood.

but i keep thinking about america rebuilding itself in order to have the resources, manpower and stamina to really help the world. we all know what it feels like to be out of resources and strength. when you're not functioning at at 100%, it's hard to rally. america is not running close to 100%. i think it might be our time to pull back and regain strength so that we can be healthy to help.

and how about if each city takes this responsibility on seriously and forcefully? new york city is fortunate to have the robin hood foundation which finds and funds the best programs to fight poverty in nyc. and 100% of what you give goes directly to programs helping to fight poverty. so doesn't every city need robin hood?

                                    

wwcd: shamelessly promote an amazing organization

it doesn't take very much

my friend stephanie recommended a documentary on hbo called a small act. i dvred it, but it took me a while to find time to watch it. this morning seemed like the perfect, quiet time to give it my undivided attention. stephanie knew this film would be something i would want to see. a film that captures so much of what i believe - that it doesn't take grand gestures to make a difference in someone's life.

if everyone made the decision to make a difference in someone's life, how powerful would that be? a small act is about a swedish woman named hilde back and how her small, anonymous act of sponsoring a young, kenyan student made a difference. that young man, chris mburu, went on to graduate from college and harvard law school to become a human rights lawyer. but what goes around comes around. in 2001, chris started his own scholarship program to help kenyan children to complete primary and secondary school, named for his benefactor, hilde back education fund. 

many of us think change is about the big gestures and if you're not able to make those big gestures, the small ones don't make a difference. hilde's act proves that wrong. the small act can be something personal -- making a difference at home with your family, at work, at school, your neighborhood. or you can be anonymous and make a difference in another part of the world. at home or across an ocean, there is great need.

wwcd: i've never given my time or money and not gotten back more

it's just a cup of coffee

earlier today i was behind a woman in pain quotidien who was ordering a cup of coffee. that one cup of coffee took longer than necessary. size of cup, type of milk, type of bag - it went on and on. after paying, she went over to the table that holds sugars, napkins and other stuff and then complained she couldn't find a sleeve for the cup. i can't get over how needy people have become. damn, it's just a cup of coffee.

i blame burger king's 1970s campaign have it your way. i think this may have started people thinking that everything can actually be their way. in the late 80s we met sally in the movie when harry met sally. the character of sally was one of the most high maintenance women ever depicted in a movie. no meal was ordered without specific instructions as to how she'd like it. but truly the biggest culprit of all is starbucks. even though they started serving coffee in the early 70s, i really doubt buyers had the choice short, tall, grande or venti, 1/2-caf, skim latte until the 90s. omfg, it's just a cup of coffee.

how did we become so needy that outside of our own home and family we expect people to care this much about us? maybe it's the $4 or $5 we pay for each cup of coffee that makes us more entitled. or maybe the commercials and movies have trained us to feel this way. or maybe we've just lost some perspective of what's really important and the cup of coffee receives the same attention to detail that say a career would have in the past. coffee...career...career...coffee. i can see how the two have gotten confused.

wwcd: i'm making "perspective" the word of 5771

the ties that bind

i was at a dinner last weekend and there were about 17 people all of whom were connected to dalton except one couple. there were 3 current high school students, 5 alums, 9 current parents and 2 current parents who are also alums. it felt like an odd reunion of some sort. dalton immediately tied our lives and memories together. and even though we all shared many different types of memories, the fact that was important was we each had this commonality.

usually people sort by job or children or interest. this dinner guest list sorted by K-12 academic institution and the many different ways to be affiliated. we were just missing someone on the faculty! we talked about curriculum, teachers we each had - and some of the kids still have, drivers ed, and how funny it was that we each had this connection. the dinner wasn't planned around dalton or being a parent. a simple and enjoyable coincidence.

what strikes me is that i've always felt that even after graduating 33 years ago, i wouldn't hesitate to pick up the phone and call almost anyone from my class. there is a bind that ties you to your childhood and all those memories make such an impact. those years, and especially high school years, make an indelible imprint. the ups and downs of friendships. puberty. the faculty who were tough or kind or tough and kind. sats, college applications and graduation.

wwcd: appreciating the ability to look back and enjoy the memories

all the hopes + dreams

i love that i'm at a new time in life - i still know people young enough to have babies (see the brand new beautiful henry pictured) and last week i found out i know someone who will be a grandma for the first time. someone i went to high school with has children old enough to want to have children! i'm not sure how that happened so fast, but this time feels special.

all the hopes and dreams we feel as parents must feel different as grandparents. the changed perspective. the reality of your children raising a child. and maybe even your hopes and dreams you had of your child becoming a parent now realized. it must incomprehensible on some level. and of course you will now have the ability to offer your opinions when asked....or whenever!

i'm convinced grandparents have forgotten the day-to-day of parenting. they either remember only the good times or only the bad ones, but not the regular ups and downs of the typical day in a parent's life. i can barely remember what zach was like 14 years ago. what i do remember always makes me smile though. i hope years from now if i'm lucky enough to be a grandma, i'd like to enjoy it as much as i enjoy being a parent.

wwcd: one more something wonderful to look forward to

definition of the c word: choice

i just started watching the c word on showtime and it has me thinking about choosing to live your life more fully after a fatal diagnosis as opposed to before it - while you're healthy. and i keep coming back to life is all about choices.

i know i get stuck on the minutia of life and sometimes forget what i find important. i'd like to be more spontaneous. and take more risks. and say more of what's on my mind. i'd also like to enjoy more moments and really appreciate them without thinking about the endless "to do" list.

the laura linney character on the c word has apparently gone from a fairly boring and set-in-her-way person to a woman with a wtf-carefree attitude once hearing of her terminal diagnosis. she's getting rid of the marriage that isn't working, shaping up the kid who's out of control, and she's even having a pool installed in her very small backyard. but most of all, she seems like she's actually liking herself and her life.

wwcd: choosing to enjoy life

wear one for nancy

it's a beautiful day in new york today and i was out walking early. on a few saturdays in august, the city shuts down park avenue in order for people to walk, skate, run or ride their bikes. it's really lovely seeing this main avenue without a car and so many people enjoying a rare freedom.

so why would anyone risk their life and ride their bike without a helmet. i saw so many people not wearing helmets this morning. there was a mom with 2 small children on the back of her bike, a man who didn't have a shirt on either, a beautiful young woman with 2 men - but they were wearing helmets, and there were also children without helmets on their heads. as an adult if you make the choice to take your life in your hands, it's your choice, but as a parent it's so irresponsible not making your child wear one.

truth be told, i would normally not notice if someone's helmet is on or not, but 3 weeks ago my friend nancy was in a bad bike accident. she was riding and a dog off a leash ran across the park drive in central park.  nancy hit the dog and even though she had her helmet on she was still injured. it's hard to see someone you care about with many black + blue marks, and scabs, and a fractured pelvis, and part of her head shaved because she needed cranial surgery. yes, wearing a helmet...but it's hard not to wonder the outcome if she hadn't had it on.

the statistics suck - of the roughly 700 biking deaths per year, over 90% of those people were NOT wearing helmets. it's kind of like not putting your kid in a car seat, or not wearing your seatbelt, or playing russian roulette. so think about wearing a helmet and putting a leash on your dog.

wwcd: just in case, i ordered one of these wrist ids for my son...you may want one too

tell me something good

i'm having an internal battle. i think we all need to accept responsibility for the things we do. the good as well as the not so good. i also think we need to be respectful of each other. and while i'm ranting a bit, i also think what's most important is having a good heart and good manners.

this is where i run into a wall. when do we expect kids to start having this and how do we expect them to learn it? and why does it sometimes seem as if we expect the kids to have better manners than we, as adults, do? they learn from our example and we've got some pretty lousy examples out there.

i worry that we're going to release a group of kids into the work force and the world who behave in the most entitled way. i find this behavior pretty unattractive when seen displayed by adults, but when it's evident in kids, it's worse. what boss is going to allow this behavior for any length of time?  not all of these kids have a trust fund that eliminates the need to work...and a boss will be in their future.

and even if we forget about the boss for a minute...don't we want to raise a generation of caring, compassionate and resilient people? isn't that one of our responsibilities as parents? when i think about zach in the future, the adult zach, i see him as good. it's a pretty simple word that for me encompasses everything important.

wwcd: next step is getting him through the teenage years...in 1 piece and still good

take me back to obama in chicago

and that magical night in november 2008 when we watched more than just history being made. we had a country filled with hope for our future. sure there were the naysayers - there always are. but i remember being at a friend's home watching the early election returns. the first states coming in red and making us all a bit nervous. yes, virtually everyone i know voted for obama. hearing keith olbermann announce obama our 44th president was truly a magical moment. 

i remember earlier that day standing on line at 6am in the darkness and running into so many parents i know each accompanied by their children. the belief that change was a possibility and hoping it was a probability was electric. throughout the day this was the only topic of conversation. sneaking peaks at cnn to witness the lines of voters in so many parts of the country kept the belief that obama would win alive. 

change was coming. 8 years of stupid was gone. we had a president who was smart, affable, and well-liked. that alone was change i could believe in. but what did he inherit? a mess beyond comprehension. do i wish as i sit here a year and a half later that the economy was better, that wars were over, and that unemployment not as large? yes, of course. but do i also feel the rest of the world doesn't hate us anymore and that black and white people in this country and the world have an amazing role model? without question.

i'm that loser who has kept his acceptance speech on the dvr. and i still get teary-eyed when i watch it. he's inspiring and when i need a little inspiration, obama's yes we can hits the spot. ok, so i'm not that blind to what hasn't happened since obama became president. we all knew he wasn't perfect and it would all take time, but there is no question in my mind that had mccain/palin won we'd be in much worse shape.

wwcd: still believes that change is coming, just a little slower than i hoped

2 heads are better than 1

so i've been thinking about private schools lately. i went to one, the same one zach attends, and i work at another one. i had no idea that when i started there 10 years ago this would be such a longterm relationship. and someplace i would so enjoy working at for this long a time. i also never thought i would have as many opinions as i do about schools, considering i do not have a degree in education. but my latest thought is about the business of being a school, not the education. 

it's much more of a business than when i attended school. back then there seemed to be less opportunities for money to make a statement and get in the way of the actual purpose of the school - educating children. i don't envy the head of any school - they have so much to balance. i think if schools plan to continue on this business path, and this seems quite likely, it might be time to restructure. what could the school of the near future look like? i don't think very different. with the cost of tuition consistently rising, heads of schools will continue to need to know more than just curriculum and managing people. 

it's not just because of the business aspect, there also seems to be a direct correlation between parent expectation and the rising cost of tuition. and then if you add in substantial gift-giving, the head of a school may find themselves faced with some difficult choices. the reality of being successful and strategic at fundraising and thoughtful and forward-thinking about curriculum is expecting a lot from one person. what a great opportunity to divide and conquer: 2 heads each leading the school. one strictly from the educational perspective and the other concerning themselves only with finance.

wwcd: i'm now wondering why my high school offered 17 languages when i attended and now is down to only 5

sending strength

life never ceases to amaze me. this seems to be the summer for many of my friends to be confronted with health issues facing their parents. the sandwich generation i've been hearing about for the last 20 years is now here. ailments seem to run the spectrum of just needing a bit more help to some very serious diagnoses.

i feel very fortunate. my mom is healthy...albeit a few aches and pains, frustration with dropping things and the occasional lapse in memory. i know, i could be describing any one of my friends or me, but i realize these changes in health, dexterity and mental agility are very annoying for my mom. my stepfather has serious medical issues and spends a good deal of time seeing and speaking with doctors. we've definitely had our share of hospital visits and stays. what i think they'd both agree with is that getting old sucks.

well, unfortunately, life sometimes sucks when you're younger too. and sometimes it's unexpected. and sometimes it rocks the very core of your life and changes it all in a split second. and sometimes it takes everything you have to get back to where you were. but whether you're old and need help or younger and need help, what's important is having your family and friends there with you...being strong or sending strength.

wwcd: just trying to be there

what are your expectations?

there was an interesting news story yesterday- i think on nbc -  about how people used to think that if you're kids were not good and didn't behave properly, then you were a bad parent. well, apparently there's a new study that shows it may not be your parenting technique at fault - may just be the way your child is hard wired. is this supposed to make us feel better? do we now have the survey's blessings to further relinquish our parenting responsibilities? 

i'll give you an outlier or two who may fit this survey, but i would like to suggest there are more parents that just need some guidance and strength than bad kids. i really don't think kids are bad. what if i said that in addition to love, boundaries and rules your children need to know what expectations you have for them? except for love, all of these needs change at every age and stage of their lives. in addition, i think parents need to set their own personal expectations. so, you adapt and restructure you're own first and then bring the kids along with their new expectations.

so what happens if you haven't set both types of expectations? many of us have either seen or experienced the following:

- a 2 year old melting down in a restaurant

- a 5 year old having a tantrum in a toy store

- a 8 year old hitting a parent

- a 11 year old calling a parent stupid

- a 14 year old lying to a parent

- a 16 year old breaking curfew by an hour

the real question is - are we doing the kids a favor by not setting expectations? it's definitely easier to say yes sometimes and give in to a request or a want, but in the long run it may not be in anyone's best interest....especially yours.

wwcd: with an almost 15 year old at home, it might be time to reset our expectations