one of those moments

there was a great scene in a mediocre movie. the movie was "my best friend's wedding" and it did have some very funny scenes  -- like where they all sang dionne warwick's song "i say a little prayer" at dinner. but the great scene i'm talking about took place between julia roberts and dermot mulroney.  their characters had been friends for many years and now he was marrying cameron diaz and julia was jealous, sort of.

julia and dermot were spending time alone on a boat talking about their friendship and what each has meant to the other.  then dermot quotes cameron, "if you love someone, you say it or the moment passes you by." they look into each other's eyes - this was that moment - and julia is about to say i love you. she doesn't and the moment passes. whether or not they're meant to be together, i have no idea, but it was one of those moments.

how many moments do we let pass by? i know i've missed several and even if you're lucky enough to get another chance, it's not quite the same.  it's a different moment with a different feeling. i feel very lucky to have a great family and incredible friends who have all been supportive at many different times in my life.

wwcd:  i'm taking this moment to say i love you to my family and friends

be a quitter

when faced with a difficult situation that requires me to act, and i feel powerless or overwhelmed, i think about the day i quit smoking. april 14, 2003 was a huge day in my life. it's incredibly empowering to make a decision and follow through with that decision. you can feel the same when quitting a dead end job or an unhealthy relationship. granted cigarettes have a physical and chemical addiction, but i guess the same can be said for a job or person. it's easy to fall into patterns and habits and shy away from change.

fearing the worst, quitting was a lot easier than i imagined. i chose my last smoking day, bought the patch, did a lot of deep breathing and then it was just me and no cigarettes. i heard nicotine was harder to quit than heroin, not having ever tried or being addicted to heroin, i had no reference to hold me back. oh, i forgot to tell you though how much i loved smoking, but knew the time had come for change. i can honestly tell you that when faced with a difficult decision, i think back to april 14, take a few deep breaths and remember what i'm made of.

wwcd:  the first step is realizing it's time for change

i still like holding hands at the movies

having recently spent time with several people from my past, i am reminded of what relationships were like. how easy it was to meet people, be in a relationship and get out of it. now, well, it's all different. maybe not all of it, but the word easy is never in the same sentence with "i met someone and it's been so _______."

in the old days you'd meet people everywhere...and friends had friends and there were possibilities at school or work. now, there's:

- e harmony - 29 dimensions of compatibility - what happened to chemistry?

- j date - meet jewish singles - since i've only dated 2 jewish guys in my life, my track record isn't so great

- match.com - someone irresistible is so close - this just sounds creepy

- facebook - helps you connect and share with the people in your life - not really a matchmaking site, but it's doing a great impersonation of one

it's all different now...the rules have changed...senior citizens are sexting...so much is happening and it's not happening face-to-face. if i at 50 can't figure this out, what chance do teenagers have? you can't really meet someone online -- i know people will disagree and site examples of the million couples they know who have met and married. ok, i know i won't meet someone that way.

wwcd: you need to hear a voice, see their eyes and hold hands at the movies

feel the love

it's the moments i don't expect that bring me the most meaning. earlier today i went to an assembly of middle school boys giving thanks. they read poems they'd written, read poems famous poets had written, read stories they'd written and played instruments. in the audience were their classmates in 4th through 6th grades, faculty, staff and parents.

all was going along smoothly...each boy performing how he'd planned. and then a 4th grade boy with a horn, along with a teacher on a piano, came to the stage. they both sat poised to play. the piano began and the horn followed. "may i start again?" the boy said. my heart sank a little. they started again. and stopped. the third time no sound came from the horn and tears rolled down his face. mine too. the empathy i felt for him as a mom and as a person who doesn't like to perform was enormous.

he walked off the stage. there were audible snickers from a couple of boys at which point an administrator spoke. she started by giving thanks for having heard this young man play the piece perfectly 6 times during rehearsal. she went on to say to the audience that we all know how hard it is to perform in front of your classmates and many of us have had that experience of butterflies. it was an incredible moment. this moment made the assembly.

the performance went on. the boy's teacher went to check on him and after only 3 other people performed the young man was back on stage with his horn and pianist in place. he played the piece beautifully and then received a huge round of applause. he smiled and also learned about resilience.

wwcd: don't miss those moments to learn something or teach something

what an impact warren

it's usually sad when someone dies and more so when they're young. the older i get, the younger most old ages become. earlier this evening i attended a memorial service for a faculty member at my son's school who died suddenly in early september of a brain aneurysm at the age of 56. the first person i saw at the service was a woman i know who herself had an aneurysm last year. as we spoke i could only think how hard it must be for her to be here. but then again, she's here.

the service format of who spoke was lovely: head of school, a colleague, a current student and an alumna. each speaking from a different vantage point and each painting a picture of warren that vividly described a person so dedicated to learning, to his friends and colleagues, to his students, to his church. then the audience was asked if they would like to say anything. at least 6 people spoke about the way they knew warren, recited amusing stories about him, described how kind he was, and spoke about his passion as a teacher.

and then came time for the last person to speak before moving to the reception. way in the back of the auditorium a woman stood, explained she had been a student of warren's years ago and told how she benefitted from his teaching and his kindness. she went on to say that now, as an attorney who represents many teenagers, she spends additional time meeting with her clients outside of the court room. she learned from warren that it doesn't take a great deal of time to make an impact on a teenager.

wwcd: make an impact in someone's life...take the time

on the boat

i had an interesting conversation with my friends liz and colton this evening. we're parents of 14 year old boys and liz and i grew up with stories about how our grandfathers travelled to america at this age. alone and not speaking the language. coming to a new country to work and make a life. we talked about whether or not our sons had the independence and inner strength to make a voyage like that.

we agreed that our goal as parents is to raise children to be confident, adventurous and feel secure enough to get on the proverbial boat. we aren't 100% convinced that our boys are there just yet, but hopefully on the right track. we did compare today's parents and parents of generations past and how parts of life are easier now...and some not quite so.

responsibilities for kids are different than decades earlier. chores were more important and necessary years ago. nobody will starve if the dishwasher isn't emptied or the garbage isn't taken out or the bed isn't made. we give them these chores to develop a sense of responsibility and to be an active participant in the family. the truth is, it's easy to slack on the vigilance, but then we're only slacking off as parents.

wwcd: let the goal chore be making the bed on the boat

let's like our yucky dimples

it's all about growing old and learning to accept you for you and who you are becoming. it's not just about the face and body changing, it's what's changing inside too. becoming more sensible, more comfortable, less tolerant, less patient. we all grow old differently. living in ny and seeing how some women fear aging made me embrace turning 50 even more. i thank god (or genes) for being as healthy as i am. i remember seeing what my grandmothers looked like at 50 and they were old ladies. i feel far away from looking and feeling like that.

i know i don't look and feel 30 any more...but, am fine with that. of course, i think about getting botox. and then i think about what that really means. if i start with botox, do i then get my eyes done, a little treatment for cellulite, a shot of restylane? and then where do i stop? is it when my face is so pulled i look like i've gone through a wind tunnel? i don't want to grow old like that.

i'm looking to be the old lady with lines that represent a well lived life that included a lot of smiling. an old lady who still loves life and all the possibilities it holds. i want to still find joy in the small moments. i want to still love dancing and loud music with a little auntie mame nuttiness thrown in for fun.

wwcd: i'm going to keep up with my interests and maybe hang out with people whose eye sight is not so good...just to soften the lines + dimples a bit

wash 'n wear hair

i seem to be in discussions where hair becomes the topic. straight, curly, curly, straight. granted, i've been going to a lot of diversity meetings for the past few years and hair is on many black women's minds. it's definitely an easy discussion for me to join. i'm a white jew with curly hair and i've never liked my hair either. when my hair was curly, i felt messy. granted, i don't have weaves and extensions to deal with too.

i spent the first 40 years of my life denying my curliness. blow dryers, flatteners and chemicals were all part of my day-to-day. fearing weather was the other part. rain and humidity could easily keep me in bed. the a/c was my friend. in addition to weather, any activity that made me sweat and required a shower after - sports, the gym, etc. - was something to be avoided at all cost. i didn't have wash 'n wear hair. i would have died for wash 'n wear hair. and still would.

flash forward 14 years ago and i had an aha moment. something (my son) kept me out of the work force and i became more relaxed about being messy. so i stopped blowing and straightening and began trying different curly hair products. and the oddest thing started happening -- i began getting compliments on my curls. i admit that i still feel messy with curls and if i have a dressy function, like my friend's 50th this saturday night, i think i should get it blown out. i don't think i will, but....

wwcd: i'd love to really accept the curls and all the messiness

30 something

today is my 30th post. i didn't really think i'd make it this long, but have found it to be one of the most enjoyable parts of my day. i promised myself that i would write every day, but in reality think 5 out of 7 days is what i can honestly handle.

just to get some feedback, i initially told a very small group of friends about this. then i sent it to a few friends who write their own blog and that was a bit anxiety provoking. it's really putting myself out there and exposing a part of me usually saved. my boss has even read it! but the ultimate test was sending the link to my mother yesterday. she's always been the writer in the family and her opinion means a lot. her positive feedback was the seal of approval.

i forget sometimes who's reading the blog. sometimes i even forget that anyone is reading it and start writing stories that are too personal to have out there. i promised one friend that her 13 year old daughter would be able read the blog and there wouldn't be any objectionable content. zach reads it so i can't embarrass him either. at some point maybe i will write something more personal.

wwcd: for now i'm just trying to keep it positive

and the oscar goes to

i saw a movie last night that knocked the wind out of me. a movie with performances the caliber of which i haven't seen in a long time. the writing is raw. the characters are real. the movie is about a world that is as foreign to me as living in russia would be.

i can't begin to understand the lack of value placed on a human life. the complete disregard for human feelings and the disrespect for the human spirit. it's the story of one girl who survives mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. she finds the one person who believes in her and the one person who will fight for her. how incredible to be that one person for someone.

the story is heart wrenching, gut wrenching and if you see the movie and walk out feeling nothing but drained and fortunate....that might be enough to realize how lucky we are. if you walk out and take it to another level and look to help those who are not able to help themselves, what a greater gift.

wwcd: strength is precious

stuck as a loyal customer

i remember when time warner cable came to manhattan. i was in high school and lived on 85th and madison. my best friend lived on 86th and park. 86th was the cut off and we had cable first. then hbo came. that's when new yorkers began paying for the privilege of watching tv. here we are 35 years later and hundreds of more tv stations from which to choose. in addition to cable, time warner offers hd, road runner and the recently launched phone service.

i've always been the epitome of a loyal customer: time warner for cable and internet, at&t for land lines, verizon for mobiles. now in order of disappointment: i've been waiting for at&t's contract on the iphone to expire so verizon can sell it, at&t has not been able to figure out why i have static on my second land line, and how is it that time warner gets away with charging what they charge? but i'm reassessing being too loyal and also not getting too stuck in my ways.

i'm about ready to abandon verizon, even though the coverage is the best, because i really want an iphone. i cancelled at&t and added phone service to the package with time warner. i now don't have static on my second line...i will of course not have phone service if we have a black out since time warner's service plugs into an electrical socket, but i have old neighbors who probably still have rotary dial phones that i could use in an emergency. and, because my phone service is now with time warner, the whole package with them seems to be a much better value.

p.s. after canceling at&t, i had a credit due me. of course they wouldn't automatically apply the credit to the credit card they'd been charging my bill to for the last bunch of years. so i called them. they didn't really care why i left at&t, but after i explained that time warner was cheaper and offered more services, they conceded and tried selling me mobile service. i'm almost there, the iphone pull is getting stronger.

wwcd: it sometimes pays to reassess where your loyalties lay

going rogue

my mission here is to be positive, constructive and yet all i feel like writing about is sarah palin. doesn't leave a lot of room for positive, so i'm going to test myself. where can i find the positive here?

we all learned her record as governor of alaska...not so positive. we watched mccain announce her as his running mate....funny, but not so positive. we heard her first speak at the republican convention...the message was not so positive, but she gives good speech. we watched her give interviews and be the butt of snl skits. we met her family...i can't even do them justice. we then heard her bash obama and bash mccain's team. watched them lose and i prayed she'd disappear.

sarah's back. she's written a book and is about to embark on a tour, starting with oprah this monday. i am secretly hoping that oprah, in her polite oprah way, nails her on a few things. but wait, i'm supposed to be finding the positive here. one positive could be oprah makes her look foolish...more foolish. but i guess that's not really positive.

i reread this post and the only positive i find is she gives good speech. how easy it is to package a person...she's pretty, she smiles big, she's energetic, she speaks well when given what to say. it's not about her message and all about the package. but the package doesn't last and eventually you see through it and there's nothing there.

wwcd: it may be easier to be the package but we need to be about our core content because that lasts

i'm an addict

i love texts -- sending them, receiving them -- the whole idea of them. i love when my blackberry vibrates or if i miss the movement, i love the kerplunk it makes when the text is deposited. i love the immediacy of them...the lack of social cues...the riskiness. honestly, i'm worse than a teenager.

if we had texts when i was in high school, i really don't think i'd ever have gotten anything done and my phone would have been permanently taken away. we only had the option of the phone and if we were lucky, we had one in our bedroom for privacy...maybe even our own phone number. if we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to do it either in person or on the phone. not nearly as many choices as we have today with texts, ichat, im, email, facebook, cell phones, land lines and there are probably more that i don't know about yet.

recently, i had a "conversation" with someone over a couple of hours that was happening simultaneously on facebook, texts and emails. it takes multitasking to a whole new level. but what it really doesn't allow for is looking someone in the eye, seeing a reaction or hearing a tone or inflection. boundaries are also blurred. i wonder if this generation will understand the subtleties of social cues and appreciate slowing down and taking time to sit and talk with a friend. their world moves so quickly with no slowing down in sight.

wwcd: i've learned about social cues and have managed not to offend anyone in any medium...as far as i know

it's still 1/2 full

how is it you can go along humming - things are moving in the right direction, everyone is healthy, family and friends are happy - and something happens or someone says something and everything gets rocked? or you're not even sure what's happened, but know your day-to-day has changed.

the last couple of months have been humming. even though i've been busier than usual, it's all been manageable and positive. and life has been really good - the kind of good you feel. the kind of good that makes you smile and allows you to walk over the bumps of life and not really take notice. yet something has changed in the last couple of days.

i'm not wondering about the why but have decided to just focus on getting back on track. wow, last tango in paris is on cinemax...marlon brando circa 1973. didn't mean to digress, but how could i not mention last tango? so, i'm just trying to get back on track. i'm banking on my writing to pull me out of this...it's enough of a distraction, a little bit of therapy, and i can make it as positive as i like.

wwcd: we've all got that thing in our life that keeps up focused and positive, we just need to remember to use it

i love girls

there is a group of girls today who make me wish i also had a daughter. i don't wish for the girls who are growing up too quickly, obsessed with boys and fashion, but i love the girls who challenge themselves. my son is on the wrestling team at school and he came home the other day after the first class and told me all the names of the kids on the team. it was the usual suspects from last year, a few new boys from the 8th grade group, all new 7th grade boys....AND 8th grade girls.

i didn't see one girl last year on the middle school wrestling team. there was one high school girl who was apparently a kick ass wrestler and took down several boys during the season. but, now there are girls i've known since kindergarten...sweet, funny, lovely girls. kudos to their parents for allowing them to wrestle. and if they didn't know in advance, well, i hope they met the news with encouraging words.

what a great world we live in where the lines are blurred between typically boy and girl activities. if we could only blur them more in the workplace and in the home we'd be so much more productive. i'm so proud of these girls for stepping outside the norm, but if i were to be a bit skeptical i could easily think this was just a way to hang out with boys. nope, i choose to see this for what i hope it is...progress.

wwcd: step outside your comfort zone - we can all learn a little something from the girls

yes we can

there's a documentary on hbo about the obama campaign. i dvr'd it the other night and finally had the uninterrupted time to watch. talk about inspiring and emotional. i still cry when i watch his acceptance speech which is also on the dvr. the documentary followed obama and his advisors from the time he announced he was running through his election. i watched every moment as it happened in real time beginning 3 years ago, but what was fascinating was seeing his growth. and to see how obama rallied so many young people, old people, white and black people, americans, europeans. and made them care.

during the election, i compared obama to the tortoise in the children's fable. he was unrockable...slow and steady...always on message, unflappable. and always inspiring. when he gave the speech that included the brilliantly written phrase - we are the ones we've been waiting for. we are the change that we seek - i knew right then we had our president. the message of taking responsibility is so powerful and empowering. when zach had his bar mitzvah, i put that brilliant quote on the back of the prayer book created for the service. his bar mitzvah was 10-18-08. truth is, i had the programs printed in august and knew that a strong message would be so appropriate on that important day for my son.

obama inspires me all the time. to be a better person, a better parent, a better friend, to think about others. one year later i still think he's an amazing force who will make important changes and i doubt i'll see another person like him in my lifetime. that's why i keep obama close. after he became president, a friend sent me a life-sized cardboard cut out of obama. he stood in my living room for about 10 minutes with lucy the dog freaking out. she apparently couldn't handle a tall good looking black man in the house. her loss, because obama now lives in my office and i love the reactions he gets...all inspiring.

wwcd: you may not agree with his politics, you may not be happy with how he's spent the last year, but i dare you not to think he's inspiring

let me tell you a story

it's pretty incredible what you can learn about your friends when you sit back and just listen to them talk. what people choose to reveal about themselves and when they choose to reveal it can be fascinating and can also bring you closer. this week has been incredibly busy at work, stressful at best, and i've welcomed the time i've spent listening and talking to friends.

let me preface by saying that all my friends are confident, funny, and smart...yet we all have internal struggles that surface. i've heard a friend tell me about being frustrated with her day-to-day life and not sure what direction to take, someone who demonstrated how being bi-polar affects his life, another who is grappling with issues of parenting a teenager, a recently divorced friend who is figuring out how he fits in now, and the oddest story about a friend being fooled by a facebook impersonator. each day has brought another story.

and sometimes i hear stories that make me feel good about what i'm doing. many friends have told me they secretly read this blog and look forward to it. others say it fulfills some voyeuristic tendencies they have. i explained that it's encouraging for me hear feedback. so to all of my friends, and you know who you are, please put yourself down as followers of the blog...or write a comment every now and then. it would mean a lot to me.

wwcd: whatever the topic, talk to a friend...or just listen to one

outlets to live by or for

we all need an outlet. this blog has become mine and something i look forward to even when i don't think i have anything to say. have we always needed outlets or has life become so fast and demanding that we need to carve out special time for something we love or something just different?

the gym or exercise is a popular outlet. recently i've heard that friends of mine enjoy singing, dancing, reading and practicing tae kwon do, yoga or pilates and choose these as their great escapes. and others just take time and breathe. it is amazing how the peaceful act of breathing - something we do every minute of the day unconsciously - when done consciously and rhythmically, is peaceful and rejuvenating.

growing up i don't remember my family being as stressed or running around as much i do today. true, my mom and step-father came home at the end of the day, sat down and had a cocktail before having dinner with us. i don't do that, but after those times that i have had a glass wine or beer with dinner, i think to myself that i should do this more often. it definitely takes the edge off, is relaxing and removes any bothersome thoughts from the day.

wwcd: it's all about stepping outside your day-to-day life and increasing your happiness - what's your outlet?

a civilized society?

it's hard to write about something positive today. i'm in a great mood, but work sucked the life out of me....i don't do well in all day meetings. and then i came home, sat down with my computer to finally answer some emails, only to be pulled into a 3 week old story on cnn.

how do we live in a world where 5 teenagers would douce another teen with alcohol and set him on fire? in the world where i live, nothing anyone could do would warrant such cruel behavior. a 15 year old boy lies in a hospital with 65% of his body covered in 2nd and 3rd degree burns. how will he recover? or more to the point - will he recover? apparently, he was set on fire because of an unpaid debt. he's now paid for it with so much of his life.

i read the article and thought how the parents of these boys have failed as parents and failed as members of a civilized society. it's incomprehensible to me to lose your child to such an extent that they would commit a crime of such hatred. what does is take for parents to be more involved?

wwcd: parents being held responsible for the actions of their minor children. would that finally make parents pay attention, get involved, and parent?

blame the duvet

for many of us, we spent our teens wishing for our period to start, our 20s trying not to get pregnant, our 30s trying to get pregnant and our 40s wishing our period would finally stop. so sitting here as a recently turned 50 year old, i keep hoping that any month this will all just end. i remember my mother telling me that when she was 50 her period just stopped. no hot flashes, no night sweats, no hormone therapy, no memory issues, no nothing. i immediately signed up for that version of menopause.

the reality is i've spent most of my adult life thinking menopause is right around the corner. my body temperature has always been high and i usually wake up in the middle of the night hot. my bed linens are simple...4 down pillows, linen or cotton bottom sheet and pillow cases, a down duvet with cotton or linen duvet cover. i love the weight and coziness of a down duvet. i also have the ac running a good part of the year...so you get the picture, the room is cold, but the duvet is warm.

this past summer after waking up hot once again, i had an epiphany: it's not menopause, it's the duvet. i found a cotton duvet my mom had given me and traded in the down one. it changed my life. i'm still hoping to go through menopause one of these days, but at least i'll be a lot cooler at night.

wwcd: some problems are not how they present and sometimes there's an easy solution